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13Oct/110

I watched it so you don’t have to: Frankenfish

Before watching this movie I had a clever lead in explaining that this is effectively the sequel to Piranha 2 more so than Piranha 3D. Unfortunately the DVD description lead me astray because this was more of a Lake Placid meets Hatchet. If that makes any sense to you then I feel sorry for you. Not that you have seen both of those movies because they are worth watching but because you are getting closer to thinking like me. Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road… it’s only paved part way.

Frankenfish (2004)

dvd

It’s hard to think of a swamp creature movie without thinking of Swamp Thing. Not that I’ve ever seen it but my all time favourite beer’s label was clearly inspired by that film. Oh wait, that was Creature from the Black Lagoon. The point is that there are well established formulas (formulea for you fancy folk) for these movies. Being a killer fish movie, I expected three specific deaths: killed underwater with blood bubbling up, almost at safety before being dragged away, and a barely alive torso pulled out of the water. I was not disappointed.

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Yes, they actually said he fisted the fish.

The premise of Frankenfish is fairly straightforward; a medical examiner teams with a biologist to investigate a suspicious death in some isolated part of the bayou. By the way, the biologist is an attractive woman and the medical examiner was a former local who moved to the big city and made something of himself. Don’t worry, they decided not to force us down the romance between these two because the biologist turned out to be a lesbian. If you guessed that signed her death sentence then you would be correct.

The rest of the human chow span a solid set of caricatures; the stoner couple, the ‘Nam vet, the voodoo lady, the attractive swamp girl, the douchebag lawyer, and the rich game hunter and company. The movie takes a brief break from the action to introduce these characters and toss in some random nudity. Yes, you can sleep easily because there was a banana joke. Once we have gotten sufficiently introduced we get back to the killing. Horror movies are all about the kills and there was some pretty solid gore, especially for a fish movie.

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Eat your heart out, sissy movies!

Basically we get to watch everyone killed off except the medical examiner and the swamp girl (don’t worry, they knew each other from high school) in various bloody ways before they finally kill off the last giant fish. However, in Godzilla fashion, the movie closes with a school of mini killer fish comeuppancing the douchebag with tiny niblets of death. Screw you spellcheck, I’ll write what I want.

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You know how I know I’m 8 years old? PU.

Frankenfish is a true B movie; cheesy, fun, violent, with random nudity. They nailed all my expectations and tossed in a few more things for good measure. Since I feel that I should complain about something, I’ll complain about the misleading title. “Franken”fish totally implies mad scientist created zombie fish and all we got was genetically engineered super fish, lame!! But seriously, I would not be surprised if Frankenfish 2: The Fishening gets greenlit.

Your pal,

Steve

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2Mar/111

I watched it so you don’t have to: The Gingerdead Man

Every now and then I like to give back to my faithful reader. (Editor’s note: That is not a typo). I give back the only way I know how, by watching movies that no sane person should ever spend a couple of hours watching. And no, this has nothing to do with any court ordered community service.

I poached this “Steveview” from Past Steve, 2006 to be precise, so it is pretty old. However, it does set the stage nicely for a Steveview of The Gingerdead Man 2, coming soon to a Steveblog near you!

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

TheGingerdeadMan

Something’s In The Oven...

Monster movies are a staple of the horror industry but there are only so many vampire/frankenstein/king kong movies that can be made. We've seen many classic villains come from seemingly harmless creatures, like killer clowns, killer amoebas, and killer tomatoes. Now we add killer pastry to the mix. That lame pun is just one of many reasons why I have not seen a killer pastry movie before this.

The prologue has Gary Busey killing most of a family at a diner before he is arrested and executed. This accomplishes two things, creating a history between the killer and hero, and setting up a bakery that is staffed by teens and one alcoholic old lady. There's our stressed out cute hero, the baker with dreams of being a wrestler, his gimmick is The Butcher Baker (future WWE’ers take notes), the hot chick who... I'm not sure what she did, and the alcoholic lady. We also are introduced to greedy guy who wants to tear down the bakery, his bitchy daughter, and her hickish boyfriend. The gingerdead man is the reincarnation of Gary Busey, all they had to do was make the dough, add some blood, decorate him, and bake him.

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I rolled out of bed, now where's my goddamned pay check!

Now before we go any further, I want you to picture the smartest character you've seen in a movie. Got one in your head? Well you might as well lose that picture because the hickish boyfriend is officially the smartest man ever in a movie, not just a horror one. He's smart enough to use the woman who's using him, while still winning hearts of other women. When bitchy chick's cell phone battery died, he grabbed it and went to use the car charger. When confronted with an evil gingerbread man, he figured it was either a joke and he'd kick someone's ass over it or it was real and he'd shoot the flour out of the little guy. These are just a sampling of his flashes of brilliance.

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Feeling ashamed that the Pilsbury Dough Boy jumped into your head? Don't feel bad, they used it too.

The movie is basically a bunch of dough jokes with the gingerdead man running around laughing a lot. I don't know if I'll ever understand why evil people laugh sinisterly for long periods of time or why regular people are drawn to the laugh. Maybe it's some pied piper deal. Eventually the bitchy girl and her dad are killed just before The Butcher Baker shows up to save everyone else. He impresses the hot chick by biting off the gingerbread man's head and eating it. I'm sure the eating part was unnecessary but what do I know about impressing women?

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I can break your fucking back - break your back and make you humble and then fuck your ass. – Iron Sheik

Since movies cannot just end with killing the bad guy once anymore, the Baker gets some nasty indigestion and becomes evil. The remaining good guys kill him and live happily ever after. As his catch phrase went, his ass was toast. (take notes future WWE’ers)

If they had upped the body count and tossed in some gratuitous breast shots, this would have had been the definition of a cult classic. Unfortunately I don't think we'll be graced with a Gingerdead Man 2: Back and Batter Than Ever. (Current Steve’s note: Oh boy, were you ever wrong, Past Steve)

Your pal,

Steve