I watched it so you don’t have to: Frankenfish

Before watching this movie I had a clever lead in explaining that this is effectively the sequel to Piranha 2 more so than Piranha 3D. Unfortunately the DVD description lead me astray because this was more of a Lake Placid meets Hatchet. If that makes any sense to you then I feel sorry for you. Not that you have seen both of those movies because they are worth watching but because you are getting closer to thinking like me. Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road… it’s only paved part way.

Frankenfish (2004)


It’s hard to think of a swamp creature movie without thinking of Swamp Thing. Not that I’ve ever seen it but my all time favourite beer’s label was clearly inspired by that film. Oh wait, that was Creature from the Black Lagoon. The point is that there are well established formulas (formulea for you fancy folk) for these movies. Being a killer fish movie, I expected three specific deaths: killed underwater with blood bubbling up, almost at safety before being dragged away, and a barely alive torso pulled out of the water. I was not disappointed.


Yes, they actually said he fisted the fish.

The premise of Frankenfish is fairly straightforward; a medical examiner teams with a biologist to investigate a suspicious death in some isolated part of the bayou. By the way, the biologist is an attractive woman and the medical examiner was a former local who moved to the big city and made something of himself. Don’t worry, they decided not to force us down the romance between these two because the biologist turned out to be a lesbian. If you guessed that signed her death sentence then you would be correct.

The rest of the human chow span a solid set of caricatures; the stoner couple, the ‘Nam vet, the voodoo lady, the attractive swamp girl, the douchebag lawyer, and the rich game hunter and company. The movie takes a brief break from the action to introduce these characters and toss in some random nudity. Yes, you can sleep easily because there was a banana joke. Once we have gotten sufficiently introduced we get back to the killing. Horror movies are all about the kills and there was some pretty solid gore, especially for a fish movie.


Eat your heart out, sissy movies!

Basically we get to watch everyone killed off except the medical examiner and the swamp girl (don’t worry, they knew each other from high school) in various bloody ways before they finally kill off the last giant fish. However, in Godzilla fashion, the movie closes with a school of mini killer fish comeuppancing the douchebag with tiny niblets of death. Screw you spellcheck, I’ll write what I want.


You know how I know I’m 8 years old? PU.

Frankenfish is a true B movie; cheesy, fun, violent, with random nudity. They nailed all my expectations and tossed in a few more things for good measure. Since I feel that I should complain about something, I’ll complain about the misleading title. “Franken”fish totally implies mad scientist created zombie fish and all we got was genetically engineered super fish, lame!! But seriously, I would not be surprised if Frankenfish 2: The Fishening gets greenlit.

Your pal,