STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

25Jul/160

Batman vs Superman vs Entertainment

I like movies. I really do. And as any fan of movies, I think I can make them better than the people who actually make movies. With that, I can say that I am wrong; professional movie people can make better movies than I can. That said, I still think there's a teeny tiny space for the regular (editor's note: sub-regular in the case of Steve) person's critique in how things should have gone. That being said, I assume you think I will be talking about Batman vs Superman, on account of the title, whereas I will not. No, instead of making sense, I will instead ramble on about the general lack of commitment coming in the world.

I have a challenge for you. Name one versus movie where there was a clear victor.... Ok, you got me on that random obscure reference. You are better than me. Thankfully, no one actually is reading this, so that means I am not admitting to anyone being better than me, I'm just spouting some random jibber jabber. The point is that if you consider three high profile versus movies, Batman vs Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Freddy vs Jason you can only come to one conclusion; in direct competition, everything is a tie. Seriously! Ties suck. No one likes ties, just ask Donovan McNabb (editor's note: Google him and tie to find the video, Steve is too lazy to link it). I wish that people would have the drive to pick a side and run with it. All of these stories get told and retold all the time, so why not shake it up and make one of them the hero? Why not make Iron Man the clear villain and have Captain America crush his pompous, mustached face? Money. But stupidly thought of money.

Movie people try to please everyone with every movie. The more people who like a movie means more people buying movie tickets, which means more money and more hookers and blow and less quality time with their children and quote unquote spouse. It's a rational thought. Too bad we live in a world where Donald Trump is the republican candidate for President. (editor's note: please sue us as that exposure will increase our readership and boost our ad revenue from 0% to billions) What we really need is stories that make one of our heroes clearly wrong. All of these stories are totally going to be remade, because that's what happens these days. Really, it's an entirely new thing re-doing old stories, that's why there is a new Hamlet in the works. But seriously, they are going to re-do Batman vs Superman, the Marvel Civil War, and any other versus movie again and again. So instead of leading them all for sequels they should be setting up for remakes. Give us the real scene of Captain America decapitating Iron Man while telling him that his father was a better man than he ever was. Give us the scene where Captain America reflects Superman's eye beams into his cold, dark heart. Give us the scene where Captain America falls asleep and is tormented by his dreams of having no purpose other than advancing the plot... before being impaled by Freddy's glove.

So Hollywood, here is my advice for you: your movie is going to be remade. The period in the previous sentence should be pronounced "period" instead of just the natural end of a sentence. Anyhoo, knowing that your story is going to be retold, then just giver and pick a gosh darn side! Or be really cool and pick all sides and release different versions with different winners. But above all, do not leave it in a tie!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYqwZRVQ6eg

 

Your pal,

Steve

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3Nov/150

That moment when…

I'm sure you have all internetted before. I know this because when I say "you", I mean "me", being the only reader of this blog. Yes, I may have 8000+ comments pending approval but if one of them was actually a human, I would probably pee on the floor in excitement. Because I'm a dog. Dogs do that... at least when they see me. So maybe it is less of an excitement thing and more of a fear thing. Anyhoo, this is all beside the point that I am trying to make. That point is... dun dun dunnnnnn... Man my site looks old. Sadly that is also an allegory to my actual being. This blog has seriously been around long enough for some WordPress template look like it is the new Geocities. (Editor's Note: We tried to find Steve's original website on Geocities but apparently scifiguy did not want to be found. Darn. Because seriously this kid was nerdy.)

blogstuff1
Best we found for past Steve blogging

I guess the moral of the story is that you always need to live life like it is your only life. YOLO. That's still cool, right?

Your pal,
Steve

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23Oct/150

Passwords

Holy crap, I logged in!

Seriously, with the amount of passwords the average person needs to remember it is remarkable that I was able to get back in to my own website. Y'all average people have at least 5 passwords but as a member of the slightly more than average, I have at least 6 that I need to remember. That's a 6 hundred and 55 percent increase for the mathematically challenged.

The real question is why would I want to log in to a blog where the only reader is the writer. Wait. Is a period correct grammatically or should that have been a question mark? The simple answer is: it doesn't matter! Unless you are in English class, which I really hope you are not or you will have at least 7 complaints about this post, then you are at that point where grammar is not really that important in your life. If it was you probably would have told yourself that last sentence ran on. Also, that sentence ended with a pre... some sort of word that sentences shouldn't end with.

Anyhoo, no one really cares about grammar, that's why Canada's Smartest Person still exists. Actually, I think people do care about grammar, I as just trying to come up with a reason why this show was created and renewed. I totally support Canadian programming and really do like most of CBC's programming but I just can't stand Canad'ass (intentional typeo) smartest person. And Heartland. Doody on Heartland. Doody.

Your pal,
Steve

PS The best password is 12345

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15Sep/150

Experimentationpolooza

Hey Folks,

So I've been running statistics against the readership of my blog and I've come to two conclusions. First; I only have one human reader... that's me. Yeah, I know you think you're human but that's a conversation you need to have with your "parents". Second; buzzwords are powerful. I've thrown many a word around and it turns out my most popular words came from my most laziest of posts. Yes, the two highest commented posts I have ever posted are two of the most phone it in posts I have ever "written:". In case you are wondering, they are Captain McBloggy and The Spam Post. The more interesting part is not the "content" (yes, I have totally overused quotations)of these posts but the popularity of them.

You see, with a primary readership of bots and part time hackers, the quality of comments are destined to be suspect/awesome. People like us (read: me, as no one else reads this blog) would expect a random spattering of comments from bots. The crazy thing is that bots ignore the majority of my entries (editors note: good for them), and instead have focused on two particular posts. One that ridicules some random internet person and another that name drops celebrities. (editors note: Steve didn't re-read the Spam Post to know what it was about). The point is that internet bots are scary smart. They seriously can decide what is interesting to themselves and what isn't. If that isn't Skynet, aside from the whole nuking everything, then I don't know what is.

Also, I know you expect humour from my ramblings and have deemed this post as sub-humourous. Well to that I say "blog Bieber Pitt Clooney Rick Mercer Lady Gaga NFL Dancing With The Stars #humanityfail. Don't fret, one of these days I will tell a joke. (editor's note: Steve actually said "Yoke"; he doesn't really know how to handle j's. That's why he rarely uses J words.)

Your pal,
Steve

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2Jun/110

Door Flyers as Literature

Originally I was planning on writing about internet memes. You know, those fun things that allow us to comically approach such deeply personal topics such as our woeful failure to live up to our dreams, let alone our parents’ standards, ala sad Keanu. No really, why do you think he is so sad? You can tell yourself that it is because of a disappointing sandwich but we all know that it is really his post-modern expression of the futility of meeting external expectations. I’m putting the over/under of my use of spell check for that last sentence at 4. The correct answer is over; bonus points to the person who guessed “of” as one of my misspelled words (editor’s note: he spelt it as “pf”). Instead of these fantastical memes, I felt I should discuss a flyer I found squeezed into my door.

I do need to give these flyer people credit because they did make a full colour page of propaganda. Regardless of what they are schlocking, I do appreciate the effort made in making it look nice. Now while they definitely had my attention with the full colour pictures, they lost me with the meaning of the big bold text. There were a whole bunch of words, but big, bold and prominent was the question “WILL HUMANS RUIN THIS EARTH?”. My first thought it is that this is some sort of religious brochure. My second thought was, “wait,  this Earth?”. Every religion that I know of is pretty keen on making sure we know there has only really been us and our grand master puba (GMP) was responsible for the creation of everything. Once you toss in the this qualifier, you imply there are other Earths that may or may not be ruinable by us humans.

Fancy promotional topics aside, I decided to read the rest of the flyer. Turns out that part of a multi-day convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses will be answering that caps locked question. From then on my interpretation turned sadly sad. If you are from the future, you would get that joke, being that it is a takeoff of a meme that I am trying to start, which obviously will become popular at some point. If you aren’t from the future, well… yeah… Good luck with that.

Random asides, aside…. There was one specific segway that really got to me. They quoted Matthew 6:10 “Jesus taught his followers to pray: Let your kingdom come”, which was immediately follow by their question of “What is God’s Kingdom?”. Literal me interprets this by connecting “your” to “God” (although really, what other interpretation is there?). So as God, I only have one decree; more macaroni pictures.

Your pal,

Steve

14Oct/100

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

The brain is a strange thing. For an organ so dependant on its host body, it sure does its best to sabotage the team. It would be one thing if your brain just made poor decisions based on what it knew but it is more like it actively tries to deceive you at every turn. Scientists worldwide have written boring studies about tricks our brains play but more importantly some pencil-necked geeks put a bunch of them online. Wait a minute, scientists are pencil-necked geeks… stupid brain. Thanks to McHappy Forwarder, you have probably already seen the scrambled text trick but I am a big fan of the giant monster effect.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. Just my best attempt to lead into the story about how I discovered my addictive experience with bad horror movies. I was telling about my times in school when I watched a ridiculous amount of B movies. Specifically horror movies because I had access to a wonderful television station called Scream, which was apparently rebranded Dusk. I am going to assume this is some sort of Twilight reference being that Twilight is a story about vampires. Vampires. Dusk. Forget it.

Initially I was just watching the channel because they played marginally interesting movies at a convenient time. After seeing the brilliance of Dead Alive, my first time watching a reverse birth, and Cemetery Man, a strangely thought provoking zombie movie (editor’s note: also, boobs), I was hooked. I kept tuning in with the hopes of coming across another brilliant obscure movie. The problem was that none of the other movies would reach those levels of awesomeness. So I turned to alternate sources; movie rentals and some invite only torrent site. I scoured these places trying to find the obscurely amazing movies that would feed my hunger.

It began innocently enough; a complete popular slasher franchise, famous actors in early horror movie roles, some influential Italian movies, a killer laundry machine, a marathon of movies based off a decent short story, the sequel to a killer laundry machine, and… you get the picture. Eventually I found myself watching a twisted German movie about a love triangle between a couple… and a corpse. Not just any corpse but a pretty nasty floater. Let’s just say necrophilia is better left for movies like Twilight. Vampires are dead so it counts. It was at this point in my story that I realized the whole thing parallels the standard addiction flow, sinking deeper and deeper into depravity trying to recreate the initial high.

The whole time my brain was filled with convincing arguments over the merit of my movie watching habits. It was literally (not figuratively) years later that the little grey squish-pod let its guard down letting me see the truth. Brain, you may have gotten the best of Past Steve but Future Steve totally has your number! So rise up! Don’t let your brain get the better of you! Stare at the following optical illusion and take a stand.

Michael-Cera-Andy-Samberg-Jesse-Eisenberg-620x283 Can’t… look… away.

Your pal,

Steve

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15Jan/101

Man + Bathroom – Shirt

I recently saw Sherlock Holmes and two things stuck with me; Sherlock Holmes is a douchebag and Jude Law is awesome. I could rant all about Holmes’ douchetitude but if Steveblog is about anything, it is about positivity so I am going to focus on Jude Law. Plus it gives me the opportunity to mention Jude Law a lot and boost my search results. If there is any justice in this world, yes that was a pun, dumbass, then I would be the first result for Jude Law. Really, I should be the first result always but I am willing to let other people have the spotlight sometimes.

moreshirtlessguys This is the guy I am talking about… shirtless…

After Sherlock Holmes, I thought I had seen three straight theatre movies starring Jude Law. Extra thought told me that I managed to squeeze Avatar in there too… and that one of the movies didn’t actually star Jude Law. Not only was he not in the movie, but it was blatantly obvious that he was not in it. No, the man in question is Aamir Khan and the movie was 3 Idiots. The other two movies were The Participarium of Mister Farmhasle… err…. the The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and Sherlock Holmes. I know I already mentioned Holmes several times, but I really cannot be too careful with your attention span.

Right, speaking of short attention spans, you might be wondering how I would confuse Aamir Khan with Jude Law. That is totally a valid question, especially because they are incredibly, obviously not the same person. I could blame my societal influences that encourage me to force the unknown into a nice, familiar box, but that would be wrong. The blame lies entirely on the runtime of the movie. You see, Bollywood movies tend to be longer than your average Hollywood movie (excluding The Watchmen, which was approximately 10 years long). The long runtime gave me more scenes where I thought “Hey! He looks like Jude Law, only not American” until eventually I thought “Hey! That’s Jude Law”. It also didn’t help that his love interest kept reminding me of Paris Hilton. Don’t take my word for it, just check out the convenient photopictures below!

original_peoples original_gangstas
Kareena Kapoor and Aamir Khan Paris Hilton and Jude Law

Uncanny, isn’t it? And yes, her head is that big.

The point of this overly elaborate, yet marginally interesting comparison is that I have issuesan appreciation of Jude Lawissues... a sharp eye. That and 3 Idiots and Sherlock Holmes were entertaining movies. The Imaginarium, not so much. It had its moments and definitely had some great concepts but it is what you would expect from a movie where a presumably principle actor dies during filming. I say presumably because the way the story played out his character was arguably the 4th most important character and auxiliary to the plot.

Whoops, for a second there I forgot who I was talking to. You should be happy to know that Youtube has the Marmaduke trailer! Now scoot, you socially maladjusted hooligans!

Your pal,

Steve

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3Oct/090

Steve’s Car

I like to think I have a fairly open mind. I mean, I do put up with all you shirt tuckers even though I spend most of my time riding jet planes and driving aero cars… and stuff… Anyway, there is one thing that does bug me. That’s you Subaru. Yes, that smug subsidiary of Fuji Heavy Industries Ltd. has found a way to get under my skin. I’m assuming you have already seen the commercial because if you are reading this you probably spend way too much time googleing “steve”. On the off chance you haven’t seen the commercial, here’s the Youtube link to it.

Basically, the whole commercial revolves around this fellow “Steve” having a less than ideal car. This Steve is such a stand up guy that he’s willing to pick his friends up and drive them to the local roller rink so they can hit on the refreshment stand girl, and all they do is joke about his car. Since this is a commercial and not reality, Steve eventually buys a new car to please his friends. That’s what bugs me. The Steve thing to do would be to lay down the law. To draw the line in the sand. To let the cards lie where they are. To let the kittens race to the edge of the blanket. That’s right, a real Steve would be all like “Yeah man, I drive a car, what do you drive?” And his buddy would be all like “I have a Lexus but it’s in the shop.” And he does have a Lexus because he’s a successful insurance broker, but the point is that Steve is totally content with his practical automobile.

The commercial goes on to show the worldwide effect of Steve’s car, which obviously is huge because Steves are awesome. So awesome that I should write a song called “Steve’s I know”. It would basically be the same thing as the Kids In The Hall song about The Dave’s I know but with Steves. Steve Steve hockey beer.

Your pal,

Steve

24Sep/097

My second best post of the evening (yes, there are no other posts)

Ranking things is second nature to people. No, actually it’s more like primary nature. I just realized that I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term primary nature before. Obviously secondary nature refers to something that comes easily to someone, but what is easier than easy? Ice easy! Sorry, Hey Ya just popped in my mind there. My point is that people like to rank things because categories and bins are so much easier to handle than a bunch of hole-punch confetti. Yes, that did make sense in my mind. No, you don’t understand because it is esoterically phrased to be understood by the only person that matters. You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Getting back to the original topic, (editor’s note: Returning to the topic? Is this Steveblog or USA Today?), people subconsciously rank events in ways that often seem counter intuitive. Take the following paraphrased conversation from the highly popular sitcom, Friends.

“I’m sorry, I cheated with your girlfriend.”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“No! No, no, no. I just kissed her.”

“What?!! That’s way worse!”

“How is that worse!”

“I don’t know, it just is!”

That exchange was brought to us by Mr. Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing. No, Chandler is not the father of Microsoft’s competition to Google. Although, you have to admit, if Chandler announced your search results, you would totally use Bing over Google. “Could I… find any more websites?” (shakes hands)

Ok, you got me. I only just noticed the Chandler Bing / Bing thing and felt I had to share that with the world. At least we got a Frank Stallone joke out of it.

Your pal,

Steve

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12Jul/090

Free Parking

The sheer ridiculousness of the world never ceases to amaze me. I was reminded of this when I passed by an A-Team style van that was painted gold with a gold canoe strapped to its roof. You know, because nothing says outdoorsy and natural like golden jewellry. But then who knows, maybe those are stock colours.

Then there is all the fun that comes with high school graduation time. Television has trained us that high school graduation is the pinnacle of our existince (unless you are a 15 year old girl, in which your upcoming birthday is that pinnacle). Naturally this leads kids to do expensive things that are great for our amusement. Like taking an SUV limo to a sketchy bingo hall. Or living out your childhood fantasy by renting a white pumpkin carriage. I guess I just can't identify with people who try to escape their lives because my life is just so darn awesome.

All of these things could not have prepared me for what I saw last night; Monopoly Shoes. Yes, Reebok joined forces with Monopoly to make an entire line of shoes with various familiar game pieces. I wish I had only seen these shoes in a store, but no, some kid was wearing them out clubbing. I just can't understand how someone though boardgame shoes would be a good idea. The scary thing is that since they sold at least one pair, maybe it was.I guess if we see some 40 year old guys walking around in Candyland shoes, we'll know the apocalypse is on its way.

Your pal,
Steve