An Open Letter to Dick Pound

Dear Dick Pound,

Now is the perfect time to reflect on the successes and failures of the Vancouver games, with the 2010 Winter Olympics fresh in our minds. The past two weeks gave us tremendous senses of competition, sportsmanship, and international compatriotism. In fact, the Vancouver Olympic games demonstrated a global harmonizing force so strong that the biggest disappointment was the brevity of the entire event. The 2010 Winter Olympics may be over, but the journey towards ever lasting global unity has just begun.

It is in the spirit of global unity that I propose the expansion of the Winter Olympics. The Americans managed to set the record with 37 total medals at the Winter Olympics. To put that in perspective, USA had 36 gold medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics. That’s right, a record setting total medal count was just barely better than their “yawn” gold medal total in the summer games. Maybe other countries don’t have Winters that last longer than Summers, but I am certain that there is room to extend the Winter games. That’s where I come in. Being the ruling authority on all things cool and amazing, I am clearly the most qualified to develop new and exciting sporting events.

The first new event I propose combines sheer adrenaline with fine tuned teamwork. I call it the Skeleluge.

skeleluge Artist’s rendition of the Skeleluge.

The Skeleluge is a combination of the classic Luge event with the extreme new(ish) event of Skeleton. We already have 2 and 4 man bobsled and the 2 man luge, so why not combine skeleton and luge into a new super sport? It may even usurp pairs figure skating as the awesomest coed sport in the entire Olympics (Summer included, nances!).

Please, Dick Pound the Skeleluge into the 2014 Winter Olympics.

Your Pal,


Here’s looking at you, Gabe

It always amuses me how people don’t consider themselves people. No, I’m not saying people think they are magical fairies from the mystical land of bananaphones (that’s just you). More that the average person tends to speak and act in a manner that they would consider insulting if someone were to do it to them. Not only that, but they believe that when they do it, other people are idiots for not seeing the correctness of their shining brilliance.

Before you go reading too far into my life, this isn’t about me. Sure I’m a super genius and better than you, but I also know how to communicate my ideas effectively. Well, mainly I know that as long as I’m yelling over you, you cannot possibly get your point across. No, I’m talking about my favourite hockey commissioner, Gerry Bettman. You see, this Gerry guy really likes having hockey in America (or Canada Jr. as I like to call them). There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are some pretty stellar hockey franchises down South. The problem is that he prefers having American hockey franchises over profitable franchises.

Obviously Canadians are immediately going to bring up Winnipeg and Quebec when it comes to moving hockey teams, so Gerry decides to counter that by insulting every fan that wanted to keep a team.

It’s probably one of the reasons that Quebec and Winnipeg moved because there was no prospects of a new building, and at that time I didn’t want to see those teams move, but we reached the point that nobody wanted to own a team in those markets anymore. That’s the difference. We think there are people who want to own a team in Phoenix.

Clearly the current ownership does not want to keep the team, nor are there a significant amount of fans that want to keep the team. Surprisingly, people don’t like being marginalized almost as much as they do not like being dismissed as being unenlightened.

This example is very hockey centric, but it applies to your day to day life as well. You are not perfect, so don’t try to sell yourself as that. If you show a little bit of humility, you might find yourself with more supporters than that dude who pretends to be perfect. Just don’t try to go up against me because I’m not pretending.

Your pal,