STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

1Feb/111

Movie Sequel Monday: Executive Decision

Executive Decision is universally known as the movie where Steven Seagal dies at the start. To be fair, he makes it a bit further than the start and even manages to knife a few guys like the badass he is.  This of course shocked North American audiences because Steven Seagal can’t die, especially when he has top billing. It probably did not shock international viewers, especially those watching Critical Decision, starring Kurt Russell, Halle Berry, John Leguizamo, and Oliver Platt (Seagal who?).

Despite killing off a huge action star, Executive Decision managed to produce such a tense, roller coaster, thrill ride that it was given an unofficial remake called Air Force One. Yeah, I’m basically just lumping them together because they are all about terrorists trying to free a leader by hijacking a plane where the good guys end up winning by pulling off a daring plane to plane person transfer. So how do you follow up the plane hijacking of Executive Decision? Trainjacking ala Under Seige 2? Boatjacking ala Speed 2? Read on to find out!

17May/101

Movie Sequel Monday – In The Army Now

15 years ago, the world was different than it was now. I would describe it to you, but you are either old enough to know for yourself or too young to care. Either way, I have better things to do then to be your remedial history teacher. The important thing is that Pauly Shore was the “it” guy of comedy. Then like many comedians, the same viewers that begged for more of the same decided to discard his tired, repetitive act.

Ok, so maybe I’m being a tad generous with his movie career. The point is that Pauly Shore had a better schtick than barely being able to keep a straight face telling lame jokes (Jimmy Fallon, I’m looking at you) or being overly straight faced and speaking in a low, grumbly voice before exploding into comedic anger (naughty, naughty Christian Bale). Since Pauly Shore is at least as good as those two so-called funny guys, he deserves another shot. And what better vehicle than the sequel to his most popular movie set in a desert country than In the Army Now!

In The Army Again

inthearmyagain

You may remember that at the end of the original film that Pauly Shore, who plays Bones Conway (that’s such an awesome name), opens an electronics shop with his buddy (played by Andy Dick!). Their zany plan from the original movie had them joining the reserves to earn the capital to start the store never thinking they would be called to action. Times have changed; superheroes wear black leather suits instead of brightly coloured tights, pop music is dominated by synthesized voices instead of synthesized music, and Brad Pitt is a dirty bum instead of a charming heartthrob (editor’s note: He’s still a heartthrob). One thing that has not changed is Bones fun loving approach to life.

In fact, that positive approach has rewarded Bones with a highly successful nationwide electronics chain and Dick with a wicked coke addiction. Despite being such important businessmen, they still find time to have remote controlled helicopter destruction derbies in the comfort of their own stores. Unfortunately, the good times come to an end when Uncle Sam calls all former reservists back in action to the war conflict rebuilding of Iraq. They are immediately shipped overseas and put under the watchful eye of an extremely gruff, and also recently re-recruited, sergeant played by everyone’s favourite, Michael Ironside.

If this were an Oscar drama, the free spirited hippies would be crushed by the brutality of reality, ending in a depressing revelation that their idealistic ideals are not enough to carry them through life. That is to say one would die and the other would lose a couple of limbs and return to America only to be chastised by the dual stigmas of being a soldier and a cripple. Thankfully, this is a comedy and we can count on their hilarious hijinks converting the straight laced sergeant into a hip-hoppin’, bip-boppin’, disco superstar.

There probably needs to be some semblance of a plot, so let’s go with the “oppressed locals are wary of foreign help while the military is happily ignoring their basic needs in pursuit of the big bad so the plucky heroes disobey orders and single handedly win the war and the hearts of the locals”. Toss in a few pot references, the odd poop joke and some good old fashioned “A-whoooo, buuuuuudeee!”s and you have a movie.

What’s that Hollywood? Not good enough for you? Alright, fine. I’ll toss in some random sex appeal. Let’s see who was hot last year….

popsearches

According to Google users, either Lady Gaga or Beyonce will be cast as the “daughter of a former general who also happens to be hot and falls in love with the not so gruff hero”. Yes, I know I have used quotes far too much for a single story but seriously, this sequel is begging to rip off every stereotype possible.

The old combination of slapstick humour, current sex appeal, and a sprinkle of social undercurrents pretty much guarantees another box office hit. You’re welcome Hollywood.

Your pal,

Steve

Also, I know you are having problems deciding between Lady Gaga and Beyonce but let Google image search’s first result clear that up for you.

sexappeal The choice is obvious: Lady Gaga. Seriously, Beyonce has way too sparkley of a bikini to be cast in a Pauly Shore movie, come on! I swear, they really need to start teaching this stuff in remedial casting 101.

16Nov/092

Movie Sequel Monday: The Rocker

Sometimes movies leave us with far too many questions than answers and the perfect way to fix that is with a sequel. Today’s sequel actually falls into an obscure category that not even Hollywood has realized can make them truckloads of money. It’s a movie that takes place after the beginning of the original but before the end. Neither a true sequel or prequel, these movies are known as mequels.

1Jun/090

Movie Sequel Monday: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

That’s right, it is time for another installment of the internet’s most popular fake sequel blog post published on a Monday [citation needed]. Today we are featuring a movie that I had already written the sequel in my mind before actually seeing the movie. After watching the original, I’m sure that the sequel would pretty much give Hollywood permission to print money. Yes, I’m talking about the mega hit of 2009; Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

 

30Mar/090

Movie Sequel Monday: Mission Impossible 3

It’s the triumphant return of Movie Sequel  Monday! I am cheating a little this time because the movie I am writing is pretty much in the works already. Since the previous installment was only marginally more entertaining than Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle Charlie’s Angels, there is some room for improvement. That’s where I come in. Being someone who has seen his fair share of movies, I’m obviously better qualified to write the box office sensation of 2010; Mission Impossible 4.

26Jan/092

Movie Sequel Monday – Paycheck

Movies have the ability to entertain and enlighten, however sometimes those experiences are too short. Thankfully, for popular and/or profitable movies, we are granted repeat jourrneys into our beloved settings through sequels. Movie audiences are quite fickle, so many times we are denied the opportunity to watch the further adventures of our favourite characters. That's where Movie Sequel Monday comes in; I bring you the sequels that Hollywood is too frightened to write.