STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

22Mar/110

Writer’s Block: Random Picture

I have been feeling a bit creatively blocked recently. Maybe it has something to do with finishing off a project and not being able to figure out what to commit to next. Or maybe, just maybe, it has to do with that devious supermoon. In either case, the solution is simple: force myself to write something. How do I do that? An image search, naturally. Of course, being that I am in a funk, the term I came up with was “random picture”. Yes, I use Bing. No, I don’t get paid by Microsoft, although seriously I should. At the very least they should have used my Chandler Bing reading search results idea. No, I’m not bitter. (Editor’s note: Steve is bitter.) I initially decided that I should write something about the first image result, so I clicked it before it finished loading to get a bigger version.

 bing_random

The random picture result.

“Wow, a sail of 213’s. I guess I can work with that" was my initial thought. Thankfully I had a second thought; bacon. My third thought was “Wait a minute, is that Chuck Norris down there?!?”. As far as I can tell, Bing tossed in some related pictures to my sail of numbers. Apparently nothing says sail of numbers like Chuck Norris, lolcats, and a partially coloured picture of a woolly mammoth. What’s that you say? Those aren’t related images, that’s someone’s actual webpage?!? Oh dear. That’s almost as bad as Paul Blart: Mall Cop fan fiction. Thankfully I have standards, so instead of ridiculing that poor soul, I will instead tell the story of when Chuck Norris met a guitar-playing lolcat that used numbers to defeat an enraged woolly mammoth.

The thing that people forget is that pre-internet Chuck Norris was more (or maybe less) than a meme. He was a hard working guy who just wanted to entertain and motivate the world with kickass movies that feature a seemingly average guy taking initiative and beating the bad guys into submission. Sometimes he would use kicks, sometimes he would use guns, sometimes he wouldn’t bother with sleeves, but throughout it all he would have a beard. Now while most people are concerned with all of his awesome accomplishments that have been immortalised through a bazillion Chuck Norrisisms, I was intrigued by the beard. Of the action stars of his time, he was the only one with a beard. Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and even Sylvester Stallone were more or less clean shaven through all of their movies. That raises the question, how did Chuck Norris end up with a beard?

The origin of Chuck Norris’ beard sounds like a story that belongs in Ripley’s Believe it or Not. As an aside, it is okay for relatively mainstream publications to swear via acronym (WTF blog!). See, Chuck Norris became famous in the 80s, which was the decade that shot animal acting to unprecedented levels. Special effects were limited, so the expertise of animal trainers had a huge impact on the calibre of the final product. The only problem is that some of these trainers had been raised in the 70s, which has the reputation of… appreciating nature to an unprecedented level. Naturally, this lifestyle influenced the behaviour of their trained animals. It was one particular trained animal, a cat named Charles, that lead to the famous beard.

Chuck and Charles met during the filming of Slaughter in San Francisco. Charles was no ordinary stage cat. For one, he still had all of his claws. Secondly, he had been trained to pluck guitar strings. I really want to say that he was trained to play guitar, but his trainer would handle holding strings to frets while Charles swatted strings so I don’t feel right saying it was all Charles. Charles and his trainer kept their talent a secret for the most part, hoping that they would one day leverage it to land a lucrative contract in Vegas.

One day during filming, a young Chuck Norris accidently connected with a few too many strikes on a particularly hairy stunt man. We know it was accidently because if Chuck Norris connects on purpose it knocks out you and your family. Our hairy stunt man took offense to these strikes and decided he would make an example of this up and coming action star by manhandling him. Charles’ trainer noticed the explosive situation brewing and did not want a work stoppage because of a random stunt man being hospitalized so he did the only thing he knew how to do; play guitar with a cat. The two of them played the best song they had ever played to try and distract this raging hairy man from picking a fight with Chuck Norris.

The soothing sounds of a nearly recognizable version of “Three Blind Mice” with the ridiculous image a man/cat duo playing a guitar stopped the woolly mammoth in his tracks. He was captivated by the elegance of their performance, his anger fading into a child-like exuberance. He was realizing there was more to life than petty competitions and establishments of dominance. And that was when it hit him. By it I mean Chuck Norris’ foot in his face. The stunt man was taken to the hospital and Chuck and Charles celebrated their dominance with a few brews at the local bar. And that’s why Chuck Norris has a beard.

Your pal,

Steve

PS Yes, I know I never really explained the reason behind the beard but if you are paying enough attention to care about that then you should be more annoyed that I did not mention how numbers defeated the mammoth, and we both know you forgot completely about that.

13Oct/095

The Climax of the year or It’s all Falling Action from here

October is by far the best month of the year. Maybe not for everyone because of differences between our local customs, but since my opinion is more important than yours, that makes October the best month of the year.

October starts off with the eating event of the year; Thanksgiving. Sure, there are other holidays that have big turkey dinners but those ones tend to have other things going on to distract from the meal. Thanksgiving is all about the meal. Well, maybe it’s about watching football and drinking beer too, but that’s more just what Sundays are all about. Some years I feel brave enough to challenge my brother to an eating contest. They usually always end with me losing horribly and my brother comatose on the couch. One time I actually thought he ate himself to death. Seriously.

turkey

I certainly do. 

Speaking of death, let’s fast forward to the end of October, Halloween. Halloween is the kind of holiday that transitions all age groups. As a kid, you get to dress up plastic manufactured costumes (also known as your Sunday best) and run around town filling a pillow case with candy. Then you get older and start going to parties to pick up Candy, or possibly her marginally attractive but very eager friend Ruth. Then you get older and you either get to parade your “not as cool as my” child around. If you are really lucky, ie managed to crib off ubergeek at University, you might even be a dentist ready to collect your Christmas bonus.

HalloweenCake

The scary part is that it’s full of razorblades and poison. And by razorblades and poison I mean love and a little bit of THC.

Sandwiched between the two is Oktoberfest (the ‘k’ means it’s foreign). I’m sure there is some cultural significance to this but really everyone just drinks a ton of beer and has lots of fun.

I’m sure you even have fun sitting in your parent’s basement watching your own personal “best of” Saturday Night Live featuring all of the Chris Kattan Azreal sketches, shedding a single tear as Simple Plan plays in the background.

Your pal,

Steve

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