Batman vs Superman vs Entertainment

I like movies. I really do. And as any fan of movies, I think I can make them better than the people who actually make movies. With that, I can say that I am wrong; professional movie people can make better movies than I can. That said, I still think there’s a teeny tiny space for the regular (editor’s note: sub-regular in the case of Steve) person’s critique in how things should have gone. That being said, I assume you think I will be talking about Batman vs Superman, on account of the title, whereas I will not. No, instead of making sense, I will instead ramble on about the general lack of commitment coming in the world.

I have a challenge for you. Name one versus movie where there was a clear victor…. Ok, you got me on that random obscure reference. You are better than me. Thankfully, no one actually is reading this, so that means I am not admitting to anyone being better than me, I’m just spouting some random jibber jabber. The point is that if you consider three high profile versus movies, Batman vs Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Freddy vs Jason you can only come to one conclusion; in direct competition, everything is a tie. Seriously! Ties suck. No one likes ties, just ask Donovan McNabb (editor’s note: Google him and tie to find the video, Steve is too lazy to link it). I wish that people would have the drive to pick a side and run with it. All of these stories get told and retold all the time, so why not shake it up and make one of them the hero? Why not make Iron Man the clear villain and have Captain America crush his pompous, mustached face? Money. But stupidly thought of money.

Movie people try to please everyone with every movie. The more people who like a movie means more people buying movie tickets, which means more money and more hookers and blow and less quality time with their children and quote unquote spouse. It’s a rational thought. Too bad we live in a world where Donald Trump is the republican candidate for President. (editor’s note: please sue us as that exposure will increase our readership and boost our ad revenue from 0% to billions) What we really need is stories that make one of our heroes clearly wrong. All of these stories are totally going to be remade, because that’s what happens these days. Really, it’s an entirely new thing re-doing old stories, that’s why there is a new Hamlet in the works. But seriously, they are going to re-do Batman vs Superman, the Marvel Civil War, and any other versus movie again and again. So instead of leading them all for sequels they should be setting up for remakes. Give us the real scene of Captain America decapitating Iron Man while telling him that his father was a better man than he ever was. Give us the scene where Captain America reflects Superman’s eye beams into his cold, dark heart. Give us the scene where Captain America falls asleep and is tormented by his dreams of having no purpose other than advancing the plot… before being impaled by Freddy’s glove.

So Hollywood, here is my advice for you: your movie is going to be remade. The period in the previous sentence should be pronounced “period” instead of just the natural end of a sentence. Anyhoo, knowing that your story is going to be retold, then just giver and pick a gosh darn side! Or be really cool and pick all sides and release different versions with different winners. But above all, do not leave it in a tie!


Your pal,