I have decided to take a break from my jet setting lifestyle to live like a regular person. I figured it would give me an appreciation of others and might even make me a better man. It must be having some effect considering I went of hippie instead of making a constipation joke. Although, I did just polish off a high fibre smoothie so that could be an issue later. Ok, so it is not entirely my choice but my publicist thought it would be a good idea to try to score some readers by using the New Year’s Resolutions empathy schtick. I’m not usually one to try some hair brained scheme for any pithy reason (editor’s note: by “not usually” he means “always”) but I do like the word “schtick”.
The ground rules had me avoiding bars and cutting back on my spending. Whatever, I thought. No biggie, I thought. Puke, I did… in the toilet. Naturally, the best way to start any period of deprivation is to binge enough so that you won’t have cravings. There is not much point describing the binge night (editor’s note: it was settled out of court), so let’s move on.
I sprung out of bed feeling awesome, as usual. I would usually use this energy to hit the snooze button a few times waiting for the sun to catch up but it was up early today.
Steve on the morning of day one.
Since the sun was ready to go, I rolled out of bed and side-walked my way to the bathroom; side-walks are totally good for building stabilizing muscles around your ankles. I cleaned myself up and had a delightful breakfast of mint mouthwash before heading out to the world.
The world did not look too happy to see me so I figured I would go lie on the couch and wait for it to change its mind.
Hey it’s a new day! Or so I assume because I vaguely remember it getting dark then light again. I think the world wants me to come out and play. Too bad the world is knocking on my brain a bit more frantically than I like. Seriously, world, no one wants to hang out with desperation.
Did you know that most houses do not have their own kitchen staff and bartenders? I do now. I guess I just spent enough time at bars that I assumed they set the standard of home life. I wonder if that means most houses don’t have people to clean up bathrooms? Hmm….
I’m already living in filth and not the good kind of filth either.
The good kind of filth. It’s a play on filthy rich, gosh!
Great, now my captions are even making Napoleon Dynamite references. This calls for drastic measures.
Today was a productive day. I managed run several loads of laundry, make a delightful vegetable soup, and clean the house. I was even able to catch up on my Coronation Street. JK, I totally just watched all the week’s episodes again to make sure I didn’t miss any details. Yep, just another beautiful day in the neighbour. I may have traded in my man card for a wonderful, embroidered apron but that doesn’t make me any less of a man. Oh wait…
If you need me, I’ll be at the bar.