The Horse and Buggy Lifestyle

I have decided to take a break from my jet setting lifestyle to live like a regular person. I figured it would give me an appreciation of others and might even make me a better man. It must be having some effect considering I went of hippie instead of making a constipation joke. Although, I did just polish off a high fibre smoothie so that could be an issue later. Ok, so it is not entirely my choice but my publicist thought it would be a good idea to try to score some readers by using the New Year’s Resolutions empathy schtick. I’m not usually one to try some hair brained scheme for any pithy reason (editor’s note: by “not usually” he means “always”) but I do like the word “schtick”.

The ground rules had me avoiding bars and cutting back on my spending. Whatever, I thought. No biggie, I thought. Puke, I did… in the toilet. Naturally, the best way to start any period of deprivation is to binge enough so that you won’t have cravings. There is not much point describing the binge night (editor’s note: it was settled out of court), so let’s move on.

Continue reading “The Horse and Buggy Lifestyle”

3D and me… in 3D

Before there was 3D there was the backwards 3 as an “E”. Historically, there may have been 3D movies before any movies actually used a “3” in the title but fact checking is so much harder when Wikipedia is blacked out. Thankfully I have years of horror movie watching experience to at least point out Friday the 13th Part 3 went the 3D route whereas Critters 3 went took the backwards 3 path. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Except everything.

There are underlying patterns to movie series. Patterns that reach farther than the Hollywood rule of 2 (see Dante’s Peak/Volcano, Deep Impact/Armageddon, et.c). I’m going down to the sequel settings pattern. Sequels have to one up their predecessors, that is the whole point of them. Also, some dude just had a hissy fit on American Idol, their words, not mine. Right, back to movies. So naturally, at some point the writers run out of legitimate ideas to improve on the previous movie and they go to one of the go to settings. What are those? Space and/or time travel. Seriously, look it up, any time a series feels like it is running out of ideas it goes to those. If you’re a trekkie, which you we both know you are, you crazy jogging pants homebody, then you probably could name more time travel/holodeck/space episodes of The Next Generation than your IQ. Nerd!

Now to the patterns. The standard small town series hits the big city by #3 (Children of the Corn, Critters). The… wait, Grey’s Anatomy is still on TV? I really shouldn’t try to write while watching American Idol… nor should I admit to watching it. Anyway, other franchises (how are you a student and a face painter?!) hit their rut at #4 and decide to go to space (Leprechaun, Hellraiser). I bet if you look up Moonraker it would be Roger Moore’s fourth Bond Movie. If it isn’t give me a few minutes and check Wikip… damn you internet blackout!

I hope you have learned something tonight, moderately despised reader. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. We all know the internet but there are scary people out there who still print out every email they get. Sadly, those people are the ones making the rules. So for the sake of us all, vote Steve for 2013 in whatever election you get to vote in. If elected I promise to totally abuse my power, so you better have voted for me. :fistshake:

Your pal,