STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

30Aug/111

One Week

We take a break from our regular broadcast for a very special message. One Week is an amazing movie. It might shake all two of my readers to their very core to hear this, but not only did I cry during this movie, I cried both times I saw it. Now it may not be the crying that you are used to, that’s physical pain from wedgies, nance, but it is crying all the same. At one point during the movie, the main character says that if he had one week to live he would make love right to her right now. Replace her with Canada and life and that is the power of this movie.

By all rights, I should not have expected much from the movie. A Canadian film with little fanfare and starring Pacey from Pacey’s Creek. Yes, I know what the official title was and I also know why we all watched it.

dawson_season_3_01

Seriously, if I didn’t know what this was I would assume it was a horror movie. Dawson is creepy as heck.

One Week takes a fairly simple premise, a man going West for adventure while trying to cope with his cancer diagnosis, and uses it to celebrate all things Canadian. Ok, so the East coast doesn’t get much mention so it’s more like celebrating all things Canadian that count. Ok, sorry East coast, you are pretty awesome too. Trust me, I will be back to drink in your pubs and regale you of stories of people with more all of their teeth.

The slow pace and abundance of Tim Horton’s cups cannot stop the sheer beauty of the country from shining through. Even without a potentially terminal medical condition hanging over my head, I too feel like just packing a bag and driving.

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If scenery like this does not float your boat, you may have a few too many holes.

Even if you do not really connect with the emotional journey of living in the face of death, watching for the sheer beauty of the country is inspiring. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to invest some money in the lottery to fund my next cross country journey.

Your pal,

Steve

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24Aug/111

Inventing a new world

Inventing new things is easy, all you need to do is take two unrelated things and combine them. For example, dinosaur + helicopter = dinocopter. It would be completely useless but I am sure that would not stop some chump from investing their life savings on it and hitting up the Dragons’ Den. Inventing useful things are where the money is, however that takes far more time and effort than I am willing to devote. Luckily for you, my court appointed community service forces encourages me to make charitable donations so I am willing to part with potentially the most important innovation since Corn Flakes. In a strange coincidence, my idea was also an accident and will probably lower your sex drive if you think about it too much.

dinocopter

The Dinocopter in all its underwear biting glory.

Hey, we are over here now. Seriously, the dinocopter is almost as lame of a joke as Dr. Rofloctopus. FYI, Dr. Rofloctopus is a lamer joke so you really should not have snickered. Focus people, there is a money earning idea coming your way. Not just any money earning idea either, so forget about your failed lemonade stand (you needed more sugar) and your forgotten children’s education boardgame (it’s spelt board not bored so get that learning out of there). This idea is going to blow your mind because solves massive global problems. What global problems? How about raw material shortages and lack of clean energy for starters. That is not just my opinion either, it is science fact.

drrofloctopus

Dr. Rofloctopus was never good at delivering bad news.

So what is this brilliant idea? Spiders. No, really. I am sitting in my basement, which I think I should rename to “Spiders’ Den” because there are far more of them than me. I am including my ego in this calculation so you can gather there are quite a few spiders. The thing is, spiders are presumably living creatures that need food and energy to live and make webs. However, there is no possible way that there is enough food lying around for them to eat. Seriously, I barely have enough food to keep myself alive let alone a legion of eight legged creatures. I can only draw two conclusions from this; they either drink my blood when I sleep or they don’t need food to function. Since I don’t like the idea of spiders crawling all over me while I sleep, I’m going to assume it is the latter. And thus, the brilliant idea, spiders can be the workforce of the future. Never tiring, always working, these tiny creatures will build our future in ways that only robot apocalyptic visionists could ever imagine. With the help of our friend the arachnid, we can turn the world wide web into a real world wide web.

arachnaphobia

What could possibly go wrong?

I, for one, support our new arachnid overlords.

Your pal,

Steve

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