STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

28Mar/110

Operation Beached Whale

Everyone loves a buffet. There is no wait for your food to be cooked and you can eat all the things you love. Feel like an all bacon breakfast? Done. How about an ice cream dinner? Just add sprinkles. Feel like loosening your belt? Go right ahead. Yet behind this inviting front lies a terrible secret; you will end up paying more for less. You see, these buffets bank on you not eating anywhere near your money’s worth. Ok, so that is not really a big secret because obviously they have to make money somehow. However, I am feeling generous so I will teach you, my faithful reader, how to eat your money’s worth at an all you can eat buffet.

1) Research

studying-boh

The Declaration of Interdependence was written on a napkin by a… a…

You probably think you can just roll up to a buffet with a big appetite and demolish that heat lamped food trough. Well guess what? You have already lost. Buffets know that some of the tastiest and filling food can also be the cheapest. Your first action is to know your food. You need to know what the most expensive dishes are at the buffet. This varies by restaurant specialty, season, and unpredictable shortages of course, but so remember to keep on top of local prices. Ideally you would set up a graph that tracks price versus filling but we all know how lazy you are (the Velcro shoes are a dead giveaway). A well thought out game plan makes all the difference when it comes to being a chump or a champ.

2) Training

physical-training-benefits

Feel the burn. That’s indigestion.

So you have mapped out your eating plans and marked your high value foods. Now it is time to skip a meal or two to build up an appetite and chow down, right? Wrong. Hunger is good but starving yourself is a one way ticket to failure. Now you may be used to failure but that is a stench I just cannot wear. The key to filling your stomach is bringing the largest stomach possible to the table. How do you do that? Simple, eat more leading up to the feast. Stomachs are elastic, so stretching them with large meals is necessary to maximize your consumption capacity.

3) Game Day

rugby scrum

Anyone see my contact down there?

You have a food strategy. Your stomach is at peak capacity. What comes next? Build that appetite. No, don’t starve yourself. Remember 4 sentences ago? You want to go the other way by working up an appetite through some good old fashioned exercise. The body uses food as fuel so naturally if you burn through some energy you will need more. Ergo, more exercise leads to more hunger. I know, crazy isn’t it?

The Simpsons may have given us the impression that we can eat a restaurant out of business through sheer tenacity but that is far from the truth. You see, unless you are a champion eater then you will need to follow an eating regiment to ensure success. If you are a champion eater then you are already doing it, smart ass. So just this once, rise above the normal. Extend beyond the average. Follow my three steps and you can guarantee that you eat more than your $15 worth at your next buffet. Or stay at home and eat potato chips, but hey, it’s your life.

Your pal,

Steve

22Mar/110

Writer’s Block: Random Picture

I have been feeling a bit creatively blocked recently. Maybe it has something to do with finishing off a project and not being able to figure out what to commit to next. Or maybe, just maybe, it has to do with that devious supermoon. In either case, the solution is simple: force myself to write something. How do I do that? An image search, naturally. Of course, being that I am in a funk, the term I came up with was “random picture”. Yes, I use Bing. No, I don’t get paid by Microsoft, although seriously I should. At the very least they should have used my Chandler Bing reading search results idea. No, I’m not bitter. (Editor’s note: Steve is bitter.) I initially decided that I should write something about the first image result, so I clicked it before it finished loading to get a bigger version.

 bing_random

The random picture result.

“Wow, a sail of 213’s. I guess I can work with that" was my initial thought. Thankfully I had a second thought; bacon. My third thought was “Wait a minute, is that Chuck Norris down there?!?”. As far as I can tell, Bing tossed in some related pictures to my sail of numbers. Apparently nothing says sail of numbers like Chuck Norris, lolcats, and a partially coloured picture of a woolly mammoth. What’s that you say? Those aren’t related images, that’s someone’s actual webpage?!? Oh dear. That’s almost as bad as Paul Blart: Mall Cop fan fiction. Thankfully I have standards, so instead of ridiculing that poor soul, I will instead tell the story of when Chuck Norris met a guitar-playing lolcat that used numbers to defeat an enraged woolly mammoth.

The thing that people forget is that pre-internet Chuck Norris was more (or maybe less) than a meme. He was a hard working guy who just wanted to entertain and motivate the world with kickass movies that feature a seemingly average guy taking initiative and beating the bad guys into submission. Sometimes he would use kicks, sometimes he would use guns, sometimes he wouldn’t bother with sleeves, but throughout it all he would have a beard. Now while most people are concerned with all of his awesome accomplishments that have been immortalised through a bazillion Chuck Norrisisms, I was intrigued by the beard. Of the action stars of his time, he was the only one with a beard. Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and even Sylvester Stallone were more or less clean shaven through all of their movies. That raises the question, how did Chuck Norris end up with a beard?

The origin of Chuck Norris’ beard sounds like a story that belongs in Ripley’s Believe it or Not. As an aside, it is okay for relatively mainstream publications to swear via acronym (WTF blog!). See, Chuck Norris became famous in the 80s, which was the decade that shot animal acting to unprecedented levels. Special effects were limited, so the expertise of animal trainers had a huge impact on the calibre of the final product. The only problem is that some of these trainers had been raised in the 70s, which has the reputation of… appreciating nature to an unprecedented level. Naturally, this lifestyle influenced the behaviour of their trained animals. It was one particular trained animal, a cat named Charles, that lead to the famous beard.

Chuck and Charles met during the filming of Slaughter in San Francisco. Charles was no ordinary stage cat. For one, he still had all of his claws. Secondly, he had been trained to pluck guitar strings. I really want to say that he was trained to play guitar, but his trainer would handle holding strings to frets while Charles swatted strings so I don’t feel right saying it was all Charles. Charles and his trainer kept their talent a secret for the most part, hoping that they would one day leverage it to land a lucrative contract in Vegas.

One day during filming, a young Chuck Norris accidently connected with a few too many strikes on a particularly hairy stunt man. We know it was accidently because if Chuck Norris connects on purpose it knocks out you and your family. Our hairy stunt man took offense to these strikes and decided he would make an example of this up and coming action star by manhandling him. Charles’ trainer noticed the explosive situation brewing and did not want a work stoppage because of a random stunt man being hospitalized so he did the only thing he knew how to do; play guitar with a cat. The two of them played the best song they had ever played to try and distract this raging hairy man from picking a fight with Chuck Norris.

The soothing sounds of a nearly recognizable version of “Three Blind Mice” with the ridiculous image a man/cat duo playing a guitar stopped the woolly mammoth in his tracks. He was captivated by the elegance of their performance, his anger fading into a child-like exuberance. He was realizing there was more to life than petty competitions and establishments of dominance. And that was when it hit him. By it I mean Chuck Norris’ foot in his face. The stunt man was taken to the hospital and Chuck and Charles celebrated their dominance with a few brews at the local bar. And that’s why Chuck Norris has a beard.

Your pal,

Steve

PS Yes, I know I never really explained the reason behind the beard but if you are paying enough attention to care about that then you should be more annoyed that I did not mention how numbers defeated the mammoth, and we both know you forgot completely about that.

2Mar/111

I watched it so you don’t have to: The Gingerdead Man

Every now and then I like to give back to my faithful reader. (Editor’s note: That is not a typo). I give back the only way I know how, by watching movies that no sane person should ever spend a couple of hours watching. And no, this has nothing to do with any court ordered community service.

I poached this “Steveview” from Past Steve, 2006 to be precise, so it is pretty old. However, it does set the stage nicely for a Steveview of The Gingerdead Man 2, coming soon to a Steveblog near you!

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

TheGingerdeadMan

Something’s In The Oven...

Monster movies are a staple of the horror industry but there are only so many vampire/frankenstein/king kong movies that can be made. We've seen many classic villains come from seemingly harmless creatures, like killer clowns, killer amoebas, and killer tomatoes. Now we add killer pastry to the mix. That lame pun is just one of many reasons why I have not seen a killer pastry movie before this.

The prologue has Gary Busey killing most of a family at a diner before he is arrested and executed. This accomplishes two things, creating a history between the killer and hero, and setting up a bakery that is staffed by teens and one alcoholic old lady. There's our stressed out cute hero, the baker with dreams of being a wrestler, his gimmick is The Butcher Baker (future WWE’ers take notes), the hot chick who... I'm not sure what she did, and the alcoholic lady. We also are introduced to greedy guy who wants to tear down the bakery, his bitchy daughter, and her hickish boyfriend. The gingerdead man is the reincarnation of Gary Busey, all they had to do was make the dough, add some blood, decorate him, and bake him.

busey

I rolled out of bed, now where's my goddamned pay check!

Now before we go any further, I want you to picture the smartest character you've seen in a movie. Got one in your head? Well you might as well lose that picture because the hickish boyfriend is officially the smartest man ever in a movie, not just a horror one. He's smart enough to use the woman who's using him, while still winning hearts of other women. When bitchy chick's cell phone battery died, he grabbed it and went to use the car charger. When confronted with an evil gingerbread man, he figured it was either a joke and he'd kick someone's ass over it or it was real and he'd shoot the flour out of the little guy. These are just a sampling of his flashes of brilliance.

doughboy

Feeling ashamed that the Pilsbury Dough Boy jumped into your head? Don't feel bad, they used it too.

The movie is basically a bunch of dough jokes with the gingerdead man running around laughing a lot. I don't know if I'll ever understand why evil people laugh sinisterly for long periods of time or why regular people are drawn to the laugh. Maybe it's some pied piper deal. Eventually the bitchy girl and her dad are killed just before The Butcher Baker shows up to save everyone else. He impresses the hot chick by biting off the gingerbread man's head and eating it. I'm sure the eating part was unnecessary but what do I know about impressing women?

baker

I can break your fucking back - break your back and make you humble and then fuck your ass. – Iron Sheik

Since movies cannot just end with killing the bad guy once anymore, the Baker gets some nasty indigestion and becomes evil. The remaining good guys kill him and live happily ever after. As his catch phrase went, his ass was toast. (take notes future WWE’ers)

If they had upped the body count and tossed in some gratuitous breast shots, this would have had been the definition of a cult classic. Unfortunately I don't think we'll be graced with a Gingerdead Man 2: Back and Batter Than Ever. (Current Steve’s note: Oh boy, were you ever wrong, Past Steve)

Your pal,

Steve