Remakes, reboots, and prequels, oh my!

People are always ragging on Hollywood for its lack of originality. It seems like the box office is always banking on Movie 2 Point Oh: The Sequel or Movie: The Origin (relive the beginning… again!) for the hits of the season. I know you do not trust my opinion, being that I am blatant Hollywood shill,but I whole heartedly support each and every attempt to ruin your childhood by remaking/ rebooting/retconning any and every movie you love. It does not matter if it is 5 years old or 50 years old, it deserves to be retold, again!

Before I get too far into this rant, I feel I should disclose that the Star Wars prequels (combined with the Holiday Special) actually did destroy my enjoyment of all things Star Warsian.This is my attempt to garner some sympathy with you, my relatively important reader, while still maintaining an air of superiority.You can disagree with me all you want, I just felt you might like siding with the correct side this once.

In the olden days, also known as ye olde days…e, there were two ways to distribute your creative acts; live or scribed. Both methods are horribly antiquated these days. Seriously, when was the last time you went to a live production or read a printed serial? Sorry, trick question. Since neither of those reach the basement you live in, you will have no experience with either. For the rest of us, we consume content ridiculously faster than ever before. It is only natural that we feel the urge to retell it, with our own spin, earlier.

Raise your hand if you have complained about the unoriginality of a recent Shakespeare production. Is your hand up? Well I don’t care. There is merit in retelling stories and adapting them to current times. If you think that there are no real differences between  Sure it seems strange to reboot a movie franchise after 5 years but things change fast these days. Five years ago the main thing I used my cell phone for was to play Snake in boring lectures. These days I use my phone to send text messages and use Facebook. In a few years I may even start calling people.

As pathetic as it may sounds, Children of the Corn, Spiderman, Wall Street, etc. are the Shakespearian stories of our age and they deserve extensions or retellings. Sure some of them (editor’s note: all of them) are shameless attempts to make money, but if you think for one second that William S. Shakespeare (the “S” is for savings) was not doing it for money, well then let me tell you about an amazing investment opportunity. By investment opportunity I mean stupid get me rich scheme at the expense of others. Seriously, take that $5 and give it to charity, dumbass.

Your pal,