STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

14Oct/100

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

The brain is a strange thing. For an organ so dependant on its host body, it sure does its best to sabotage the team. It would be one thing if your brain just made poor decisions based on what it knew but it is more like it actively tries to deceive you at every turn. Scientists worldwide have written boring studies about tricks our brains play but more importantly some pencil-necked geeks put a bunch of them online. Wait a minute, scientists are pencil-necked geeks… stupid brain. Thanks to McHappy Forwarder, you have probably already seen the scrambled text trick but I am a big fan of the giant monster effect.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. Just my best attempt to lead into the story about how I discovered my addictive experience with bad horror movies. I was telling about my times in school when I watched a ridiculous amount of B movies. Specifically horror movies because I had access to a wonderful television station called Scream, which was apparently rebranded Dusk. I am going to assume this is some sort of Twilight reference being that Twilight is a story about vampires. Vampires. Dusk. Forget it.

Initially I was just watching the channel because they played marginally interesting movies at a convenient time. After seeing the brilliance of Dead Alive, my first time watching a reverse birth, and Cemetery Man, a strangely thought provoking zombie movie (editor’s note: also, boobs), I was hooked. I kept tuning in with the hopes of coming across another brilliant obscure movie. The problem was that none of the other movies would reach those levels of awesomeness. So I turned to alternate sources; movie rentals and some invite only torrent site. I scoured these places trying to find the obscurely amazing movies that would feed my hunger.

It began innocently enough; a complete popular slasher franchise, famous actors in early horror movie roles, some influential Italian movies, a killer laundry machine, a marathon of movies based off a decent short story, the sequel to a killer laundry machine, and… you get the picture. Eventually I found myself watching a twisted German movie about a love triangle between a couple… and a corpse. Not just any corpse but a pretty nasty floater. Let’s just say necrophilia is better left for movies like Twilight. Vampires are dead so it counts. It was at this point in my story that I realized the whole thing parallels the standard addiction flow, sinking deeper and deeper into depravity trying to recreate the initial high.

The whole time my brain was filled with convincing arguments over the merit of my movie watching habits. It was literally (not figuratively) years later that the little grey squish-pod let its guard down letting me see the truth. Brain, you may have gotten the best of Past Steve but Future Steve totally has your number! So rise up! Don’t let your brain get the better of you! Stare at the following optical illusion and take a stand.

Michael-Cera-Andy-Samberg-Jesse-Eisenberg-620x283 Can’t… look… away.

Your pal,

Steve

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