STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

15Jan/101

Man + Bathroom – Shirt

I recently saw Sherlock Holmes and two things stuck with me; Sherlock Holmes is a douchebag and Jude Law is awesome. I could rant all about Holmes’ douchetitude but if Steveblog is about anything, it is about positivity so I am going to focus on Jude Law. Plus it gives me the opportunity to mention Jude Law a lot and boost my search results. If there is any justice in this world, yes that was a pun, dumbass, then I would be the first result for Jude Law. Really, I should be the first result always but I am willing to let other people have the spotlight sometimes.

moreshirtlessguys This is the guy I am talking about… shirtless…

After Sherlock Holmes, I thought I had seen three straight theatre movies starring Jude Law. Extra thought told me that I managed to squeeze Avatar in there too… and that one of the movies didn’t actually star Jude Law. Not only was he not in the movie, but it was blatantly obvious that he was not in it. No, the man in question is Aamir Khan and the movie was 3 Idiots. The other two movies were The Participarium of Mister Farmhasle… err…. the The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and Sherlock Holmes. I know I already mentioned Holmes several times, but I really cannot be too careful with your attention span.

Right, speaking of short attention spans, you might be wondering how I would confuse Aamir Khan with Jude Law. That is totally a valid question, especially because they are incredibly, obviously not the same person. I could blame my societal influences that encourage me to force the unknown into a nice, familiar box, but that would be wrong. The blame lies entirely on the runtime of the movie. You see, Bollywood movies tend to be longer than your average Hollywood movie (excluding The Watchmen, which was approximately 10 years long). The long runtime gave me more scenes where I thought “Hey! He looks like Jude Law, only not American” until eventually I thought “Hey! That’s Jude Law”. It also didn’t help that his love interest kept reminding me of Paris Hilton. Don’t take my word for it, just check out the convenient photopictures below!

original_peoples original_gangstas
Kareena Kapoor and Aamir Khan Paris Hilton and Jude Law

Uncanny, isn’t it? And yes, her head is that big.

The point of this overly elaborate, yet marginally interesting comparison is that I have issuesan appreciation of Jude Lawissues... a sharp eye. That and 3 Idiots and Sherlock Holmes were entertaining movies. The Imaginarium, not so much. It had its moments and definitely had some great concepts but it is what you would expect from a movie where a presumably principle actor dies during filming. I say presumably because the way the story played out his character was arguably the 4th most important character and auxiliary to the plot.

Whoops, for a second there I forgot who I was talking to. You should be happy to know that Youtube has the Marmaduke trailer! Now scoot, you socially maladjusted hooligans!

Your pal,

Steve

Filed under: Uncategorized 1 Comment
7Jan/108

Let’s do dunch

When I’m not travelling the world visiting historically important locations, emerging victorious from extreme competitions, saving the world, and generally being an exceptionally awesome guy, I like to spend some time advancing the global intellect. Sometimes I teach children to read, sometimes I guest lecture at the local university, and occasionally, if I’m really bored, I’ll write a paper and win the Nobel Peace prize. Today is not one of those days. No, today I’m focusing on a more important issue; the horrible ignorance that my most of my readers show to the English language. Don’t worry, I’m talking about the other readers…

Everyone knows the term for the meal between breakfast and lunch is brunch, but when posed the question regarding the meal between lunch and dinner, responses were far from unanimous. You’ll hear many options; linner, lunner, lupper, dinch, the meal between lunch and dinner, etc.. So today I will explain to you why that word should be dunch and how you can do your part to spread this word to the world.

First, let’s examine the word brunch and how it comes about. Brunch is made from the combination of “br” from breakfast and “unch” from lunch. Shocking, n’est pas? Now this poses several questions: why does the breakfast part come first? why do we take two letters from breakfast? Right now you are probably thinking two things, be and cause. Right now I am holding my palm to my face thinking of you thinking that. Some of you might even go so far as to think the “br” comes first because breakfast comes first. That’s a nice thought, but you forgot one important point. That point is that English is needlessly complex when it does not need to be.

The reason breakfast gets the prefix is because the word breakfast contains more characters that lunch. Some linguists claim it’s because breakfast has more syllables, but they are a bunch of crazy radicals who are soon to be exiled from the community. Now to the second part, why we take “br” and remove the “l”. This one is slightly more complicated, which is just what Sir Edmund B. English hoped for when he invented the language. We are actually taking all consonants before the first vowel of the prefixing word and adding it to the suffix word after removing all consonants before the first vowel of the suffix word. This ensures we have a proper English sounding word and not some mangled mess that sounds like it was made up by a Star Trek nerd trying to speak “Klingon”.

Now that we have established the rules, let’s apply them to the meal between lunch and dinner. Dinner has more letters, so we grab “d”. Lunch gets cut to “unch” as with brunch. Now jam them together like square peg in a circular hole and we get dunch!

Now that we have established what the word should be, you are probably wondering how you can help bring the word into common usage. If you are aren’t, you should have been. Unforgivable!

  • Schedule pointless, yet mandatory, meetings at work from 11am to 2pm. After the meetings, suggest that everyone goes out for dunch.
  • Create the “Dunch” article on Wikipedia. Conveniently, you can even link to this post as a reference.
  • Write a dieting book that encourages people to convert to two meals a day; brunch and dunch.
  • Befriend an editor of the Oxford English Dictionary. Gradually gain their total trust over several years through activities such as (but not limited to) landscaping their yard, playing on a sports team together, helping them overcome a childhood fear, throwing them surprise parties, serving in their wedding party, marrying their sibling, etc. Then, when they least suspect it, slip the definition of Dunch into the dictionary, slash their tires, and leave feces on their bed! Vengeance is yours!

Remember, we are all in this together until you get into trouble and I run off screaming “you’re on your own!”

Your pal,

Steve

Filed under: Intellemectual 8 Comments
5Jan/102

Welcome Twenty Ten

When I’m not travelling the world visiting historically important locations, emerging victorious from extreme competitions, saving the world, and generally being an exceptionally awesome guy, I like to spend some time advancing the global intellect. Sometimes I teach children to read, sometimes I guest lecture at the local university, and occasionally, if I’m really bored, I’ll write a paper and win the Nobel Peace prize. Today is not one of those days. No, today I’m focusing on a more important issue; the horrible ignorance that my most of my readers show to the English language. Don’t worry, I’m talking about the other readers…

Everyone knows the term for the meal between breakfast and lunch is brunch, but when posed the question regarding the meal between lunch and dinner, responses were far from unanimous. You’ll hear many options; linner, lunner, lupper, dinch, the meal between lunch and dinner, etc.. So today I will explain to you why that word should be dunch and how you can do your part to spread this word to the world.

First, let’s examine the word brunch and how it comes about. Brunch is made from the combination of “br” from breakfast and “unch” from lunch. Shocking, n’est pas? Now this poses several questions: why does the breakfast part come first? why do we take two letters from breakfast? Right now you are probably thinking two things, be and cause. Right now I am holding my palm to my face thinking of you thinking that. Some of you might even go so far as to think the “br” comes first because breakfast comes first. That’s a nice thought, but you forgot one important point. That point is that English is needlessly complex when it does not need to be.

The reason breakfast gets the prefix is because the word breakfast contains more characters that lunch. Some linguists claim it’s because breakfast has more syllables, but they are a bunch of crazy radicals who are soon to be exiled from the community. Now to the second part, why we take “br” and remove the “l”. This one is slightly more complicated, which is just what Sir Edmund B. English hoped for when he invented the language. We are actually taking all consonants before the first vowel of the prefixing word and adding it to the suffix word after removing all consonants before the first vowel of the suffix word. This ensures we have a proper English sounding word and not some mangled mess that sounds like it was made up by a Star Trek nerd trying to speak “Klingon”.

Now that we have established the rules, let’s apply them to the meal between lunch and dinner. Dinner has more letters, so we grab “d”. Lunch gets cut to “unch” as with brunch. Now jam them together like square peg in a circular hole and we get dunch!

Now that we have established what the word should be, you are probably wondering how you can help bring the word into common usage. If you are aren’t, you should have been. Unforgivable!

  • Schedule pointless, yet mandatory, meetings at work from 11am to 2pm. After the meetings, suggest that everyone goes out for dunch.
  • Create the “Dunch” article on Wikipedia. Conveniently, you can even link to this post as a reference.
  • Write a dieting book that encourages people to convert to two meals a day; brunch and dunch.
  • Befriend an editor of the Oxford English Dictionary. Gradually gain their total trust over several years through activities such as (but not limited to) landscaping their yard, playing on a sports team together, helping them overcome a childhood fear, throwing them surprise parties, serving in their wedding party, marrying their sibling, etc. Then, when they least suspect it, slip the definition of Dunch into the dictionary, slash their tires, and leave feces on their bed! Vengeance is yours!

Remember, we are all in this together until you get into trouble and I run off screaming “you’re on your own!”

Your pal,

Steve

I’m a few days late with my New Year’s post and I’m sorry. Not because I made my readers wait a bit longer than Johnny Come Update Frequently Lately’s blog. Seriously guys, how about a little less spamming the airways and a little more love. No, I’m sorry because without Steveblog updates my readers were forced to do something other than sit in their dark room constantly clicking refresh. Friends Family Random people on the street, please accept my sincere apologies for any troubles that were brought upon you by my socially inept readers. With that mushyness out of the way, let’s get to my New Year’s thoughts.

New Year’s is the perfect time to look back at the ending year and forward to the coming year. Most people do this by writing lists about the year’s highlights and talk about their resolutions. Those people would be better served by making their resolution “don’t be lame”. If anyone needs to know the important events from the past year, check my archive. Or better yet, read all about my accomplishments from the only news site worthy of my attention. I think we are all better served by taking a different look forward. Instead of making flimsy self promises, why don’t we look at what will happen in 2010. No, kiddo, scientists aren’t going to make it possible to grow wings on their heads to fly over morning rush hour… we’ll need to wait until 2016 for that.

Beware, brave reader, 2010 spoilers follow…