STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

28Oct/0922

Captain McBloggy and his United Federation of Blogs

Everyone loves blogging about blogging. I prefer blogging about other people blogging about blogging. Hopefully you like reading my blogging about other people blogging about blogging. Really it doesn’t matter though because all 10 of you will read anything I write. Not because you find it particularly interesting, or because of your marginally creepy masochism. No, you come here out of habit (and that virus that keeps setting Steveblog as your home page).

I recently came across a blog called MY INTERESTS: A blog about what I like to do, particularly one post simply titled “Visitors”. You would think that such a focused subject matter would turn people off that blog, but you would be wrong (as always). No, as the Visitors post states, his blog is extremely popular, citing such references as a 100-fold increase in hits and his “classmate’s blogs”. While I’m sure Captain McBloggy and his United Federation of Blogs is the coolest guy in his Star Trek pyjama parties, he may not be the best person to measure up against. Or maybe he just put the apostrophe in the wrong place and he was talking about all of his classmates.

The tragedy of the post hits in the second paragraph. He starts strong with his reader appreciation before leaving us with the promise of more posts to come. Well, it’s been over a year Dave and I’m still waiting. Granted I have only been waiting for a day, but I’m still waiting. Fortunately, I am not a man who stands by and lets the youth of the world be struck down by the heavy hand of reality! No! I hold that hand back, put a giant rock on it, and let it carry on!

Chances are the little tyke will never log back into his blog and never approve my comment, so in in the interest of completion, here are the motivation thoughts I left with him.

Hi Dave!

I just found your blog yesterday and I have to say I’m sorely disappointed that you didn’t keep up the posts. As a fellow blogger, I know how hard it can be to constantly expose yourself to the world without so much of a tug of feedback in return. Actually, my problem is more with my good friends in non-extradition countries that keep telling my readers to buy watches and cheap drugs.

Here’s hoping you return to form because I don’t think I can stand another day of reading Nick’s blog.

Personally, I’m looking forward to being in the search results for Captain McBloggy and his United Federation of Blogs. Don’t worry, brave reader, I’m sure you will accomplish something in your life too. You may one day graduate from those Velcro shoes and tie on a real pair of shoes.

Your pal,

Steve

Filed under: Blogs 22 Comments
13Oct/095

The Climax of the year or It’s all Falling Action from here

October is by far the best month of the year. Maybe not for everyone because of differences between our local customs, but since my opinion is more important than yours, that makes October the best month of the year.

October starts off with the eating event of the year; Thanksgiving. Sure, there are other holidays that have big turkey dinners but those ones tend to have other things going on to distract from the meal. Thanksgiving is all about the meal. Well, maybe it’s about watching football and drinking beer too, but that’s more just what Sundays are all about. Some years I feel brave enough to challenge my brother to an eating contest. They usually always end with me losing horribly and my brother comatose on the couch. One time I actually thought he ate himself to death. Seriously.

turkey

I certainly do. 

Speaking of death, let’s fast forward to the end of October, Halloween. Halloween is the kind of holiday that transitions all age groups. As a kid, you get to dress up plastic manufactured costumes (also known as your Sunday best) and run around town filling a pillow case with candy. Then you get older and start going to parties to pick up Candy, or possibly her marginally attractive but very eager friend Ruth. Then you get older and you either get to parade your “not as cool as my” child around. If you are really lucky, ie managed to crib off ubergeek at University, you might even be a dentist ready to collect your Christmas bonus.

HalloweenCake

The scary part is that it’s full of razorblades and poison. And by razorblades and poison I mean love and a little bit of THC.

Sandwiched between the two is Oktoberfest (the ‘k’ means it’s foreign). I’m sure there is some cultural significance to this but really everyone just drinks a ton of beer and has lots of fun.

I’m sure you even have fun sitting in your parent’s basement watching your own personal “best of” Saturday Night Live featuring all of the Chris Kattan Azreal sketches, shedding a single tear as Simple Plan plays in the background.

Your pal,

Steve

Filed under: Lazy 5 Comments
5Oct/092

Thank you Internet

I’d like to thank you, internet. You bring us so many wonderful things, like sports news, free books, pictures of overly cute things, and creepy Boy Meets World fan fiction. That’s not it though, the internet is not one to rest on its laurels. Thanks to everyone’s favourite (or second favourite if you are hip) movie website, you can now view an actor’s filmography by strangely specific categories.

I decided today was a good day to watch The Transporter, Transporter 2, and Transporter 3. After watching those movies, I found myself wondering what other movies I could see Jason Statham in all his awe-inspiring shirtless glory. Lo and behold, IMDB has solved that problem for me! Crank: High Voltage and Revolver both feature “bare-chested-male”! Thank you internet!

tn2_jason_statham_1

Also helpful was Google image search. 

Seriously though. This categorization could be turned into a hilarious party game. Everyone loves pointless trivia games, especially the ones about celebrities but more especially the ones with goofy words. It would play out like Family Feud, where a celebrity’s name comes up and you need to try and guess the best or funniest categories in their filmography. Just for fun, let’s do Crispin Glover.

His top one is the ever classic “character-name-in-title”. Bet you didn’t know there was a character named Billy Future in Back to the Future, did you? Don’t say you did because there isn’t, dumbass. He has 6 movies with the always amusing “fall-from-height”. His best is probably “child-player-in-adult-sport-team”.

What about that precocious young actress, Ellen Page? Hey! Her top is “character-name-in-title” too! She and Crispin Glover should be in a movie together. It could be about a quirky, rebellious teen that meets a creepy, socially inept older man. They share a somewhat inappropriate relationship that ends poorly, prompting her to take a bus out of town. I call it Spectreville. Oh, there’s “precocious-teen” on her list too! My pick for her best is "deoxyribonucleic-acid”, or DNA to the rest of us. Thank you internet for leaving the kid gloves off on that one.

Unfortunately, for all the potential this gives us it managed to fail me. I searched for “dude” movies and got a few cowboy movies and BASEketball. The dude does not abide, man.

1-Lebowski

Also, my rug was stolen.

Your pal,

Steve

Filed under: Movies 2 Comments
3Oct/090

Steve’s Car

I like to think I have a fairly open mind. I mean, I do put up with all you shirt tuckers even though I spend most of my time riding jet planes and driving aero cars… and stuff… Anyway, there is one thing that does bug me. That’s you Subaru. Yes, that smug subsidiary of Fuji Heavy Industries Ltd. has found a way to get under my skin. I’m assuming you have already seen the commercial because if you are reading this you probably spend way too much time googleing “steve”. On the off chance you haven’t seen the commercial, here’s the Youtube link to it.

Basically, the whole commercial revolves around this fellow “Steve” having a less than ideal car. This Steve is such a stand up guy that he’s willing to pick his friends up and drive them to the local roller rink so they can hit on the refreshment stand girl, and all they do is joke about his car. Since this is a commercial and not reality, Steve eventually buys a new car to please his friends. That’s what bugs me. The Steve thing to do would be to lay down the law. To draw the line in the sand. To let the cards lie where they are. To let the kittens race to the edge of the blanket. That’s right, a real Steve would be all like “Yeah man, I drive a car, what do you drive?” And his buddy would be all like “I have a Lexus but it’s in the shop.” And he does have a Lexus because he’s a successful insurance broker, but the point is that Steve is totally content with his practical automobile.

The commercial goes on to show the worldwide effect of Steve’s car, which obviously is huge because Steves are awesome. So awesome that I should write a song called “Steve’s I know”. It would basically be the same thing as the Kids In The Hall song about The Dave’s I know but with Steves. Steve Steve hockey beer.

Your pal,

Steve