The Spam Post

Nothing says lazy topic like “Hey, let’s read some spam headlines from my inbox!”. It’s the blog equivalent of the time travel episode of your favourite TV series. Sure, the show may act like it is totally grounded in reality, but even Boy Meets World came up with a zany situation to toss their beloved characters into an entirely new setting. The irony (take that literary world!) is that most of these time travelling stories just use it to paint the same plot lines in a different coat instead of putting on a snazzy new pair of suspenders. I would go on about lame plot devices, such as everyone’s favourite, the dream sequence, but I’m all about lazy today.

Today we will take a look at the tiny snippet of spam messages that I can read from my spam folder. Sure I could open some for the entire message, but remember, I’m lazy.

  • Decent watches at prices you could only dream of. – A watch can tell a lot about a person wearing it. News flash, if you are wearing a watch you are a person who cares about time! Then there’s the people who do not dream about getting free watches, but really good deals on watches. “Hey Tom! I totally managed to buy this legit Timex watch for only $25! I saved $10 off the list price!”
  • Finally Get thePenis You Have Been Waiting For: 3-4 InchesGrowth in a Matter… zkvxg xjn  First off, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I have NOT been waiting for thePenis. Second, I’m a little frightened that the 3-4 inches of growth happened so rapidly that thePenis plopped out onto that guy’s keyboard.
  • Land every chick you like easily! Gain the full control over your drilling machine  If the ladies love jackhammers, just wait until they see my wheelbarrow! Wait, is this some sort of euphemism?
  • Support your custard launcher – Best manure for pork stalk  I’m not so sure I want poop on my penis, but I definitely know I’m not going to buy said poop online.
  • Check if nobody looks here  This was sent to me by “me”. Either I went on a crazy existential trip or I just plain don’t make sense.
  • Wait, wait, said the frog – Mr Quangle Wangle, grant us that http://ipaddress/bh.html muddiness  The inventiveness of children’s authors in today’s world never ceases to amaze me. Just when you thought URLs could only be used as nouns, BAM! There’s an adjective, you goofball!
  • Cheers – shay quail ax old? psalm empty civil. leap duff wrap scan. nexus unfit tenth empty. I’m pretty sure those are all English words. I’m also pretty sure the only combination that works is “tenth empty”. Even then you’d need to speak like a tool to fit that in a sentence.

Well kids, that ends my phoned in entry. Tune in next week and we’ll have a Brand New Episode! Or maybe just a clips show…

Your pal,


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