One in a Fillion

Do you ever stop to think about why we use certain words? That’s rhetorical, I know you don’t stop to think because that implies you can think. I, on the other hand, have the cognitive capacity for intellectual musings, so I have been known to ponder oddities in the English language (or as I pronounce it, the engish langij). The words that I found particularly interesting today are million, billion, trillion, and zillion. The relative values of these numbers are quite well known, but I’ve drawn a chart to help the slower people out there.


The commonly accepted relative sizes of made up numbers

People commonly treat billion and trillion as “doubles” of the previous amount, probably because we can easily imagine double over thousand. Million has its root of “milli”, which explains why it is the smallest of the big numbers. Billion comes from “bigger than million” and bigillion was too tough to say. Trillion is for “third biggest”. The real question is why the most insanely big number is zillion. The letter “Z” is the be all and end all of letters, however when tied to numbers it usually goes with zero and zilch. I’m guessing the same type of person who coined zillion also coined Coke Zero. Sure it’s somewhat descriptive of the product but zero is a loser number.


Oh, sad face emoticon.

If there’s one thing I hope you take out of this, it’s that Z sucks. If there’s two things you take out of this, it should be that a Fillion is bigger than a zillion.


I am really, really, really, really, really, … really, really big mash-e-matic machine!

Your pal,


Free Parking

The sheer ridiculousness of the world never ceases to amaze me. I was reminded of this when I passed by an A-Team style van that was painted gold with a gold canoe strapped to its roof. You know, because nothing says outdoorsy and natural like golden jewellry. But then who knows, maybe those are stock colours.

Then there is all the fun that comes with high school graduation time. Television has trained us that high school graduation is the pinnacle of our existince (unless you are a 15 year old girl, in which your upcoming birthday is that pinnacle). Naturally this leads kids to do expensive things that are great for our amusement. Like taking an SUV limo to a sketchy bingo hall. Or living out your childhood fantasy by renting a white pumpkin carriage. I guess I just can’t identify with people who try to escape their lives because my life is just so darn awesome.

All of these things could not have prepared me for what I saw last night; Monopoly Shoes. Yes, Reebok joined forces with Monopoly to make an entire line of shoes with various familiar game pieces. I wish I had only seen these shoes in a store, but no, some kid was wearing them out clubbing. I just can’t understand how someone though boardgame shoes would be a good idea. The scary thing is that since they sold at least one pair, maybe it was.I guess if we see some 40 year old guys walking around in Candyland shoes, we’ll know the apocalypse is on its way.

Your pal,

The Spam Post

Nothing says lazy topic like “Hey, let’s read some spam headlines from my inbox!”. It’s the blog equivalent of the time travel episode of your favourite TV series. Sure, the show may act like it is totally grounded in reality, but even Boy Meets World came up with a zany situation to toss their beloved characters into an entirely new setting. The irony (take that literary world!) is that most of these time travelling stories just use it to paint the same plot lines in a different coat instead of putting on a snazzy new pair of suspenders. I would go on about lame plot devices, such as everyone’s favourite, the dream sequence, but I’m all about lazy today.

Today we will take a look at the tiny snippet of spam messages that I can read from my spam folder. Sure I could open some for the entire message, but remember, I’m lazy.

  • Decent watches at prices you could only dream of. – A watch can tell a lot about a person wearing it. News flash, if you are wearing a watch you are a person who cares about time! Then there’s the people who do not dream about getting free watches, but really good deals on watches. “Hey Tom! I totally managed to buy this legit Timex watch for only $25! I saved $10 off the list price!”
  • Finally Get thePenis You Have Been Waiting For: 3-4 InchesGrowth in a Matter… zkvxg xjn  First off, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I have NOT been waiting for thePenis. Second, I’m a little frightened that the 3-4 inches of growth happened so rapidly that thePenis plopped out onto that guy’s keyboard.
  • Land every chick you like easily! Gain the full control over your drilling machine  If the ladies love jackhammers, just wait until they see my wheelbarrow! Wait, is this some sort of euphemism?
  • Support your custard launcher – Best manure for pork stalk  I’m not so sure I want poop on my penis, but I definitely know I’m not going to buy said poop online.
  • Check if nobody looks here  This was sent to me by “me”. Either I went on a crazy existential trip or I just plain don’t make sense.
  • Wait, wait, said the frog – Mr Quangle Wangle, grant us that http://ipaddress/bh.html muddiness  The inventiveness of children’s authors in today’s world never ceases to amaze me. Just when you thought URLs could only be used as nouns, BAM! There’s an adjective, you goofball!
  • Cheers – shay quail ax old? psalm empty civil. leap duff wrap scan. nexus unfit tenth empty. I’m pretty sure those are all English words. I’m also pretty sure the only combination that works is “tenth empty”. Even then you’d need to speak like a tool to fit that in a sentence.

Well kids, that ends my phoned in entry. Tune in next week and we’ll have a Brand New Episode! Or maybe just a clips show…

Your pal,