Friday the 13th: The Top 12

I finally got around to watching the most recent Friday the 13th movie, or most recent right now as they probably will make another dozen or so of them. I can officially re-check it off of my list of horror movie franchises that I have seen in entirety. This means that I can responsibly rank the movies! I could have ranked them earlier but if there’s one thing I stand for, it’s for truth and justice. Yes, that’s two things. No, I don’t really stand for them, I just kind of like the sound of it.
Continue reading “Friday the 13th: The Top 12”

The Next Ryan Reynolds

That famous quote about best made plans not being as planny as you planned is totally true. I totally had this brilliant plan to spend some significant time editing my most recent home video except I was distracted by my job struggling, alcoholic, American author (editor’s note: Factotum is not actually about Steve, he just thinks it is). Come to think of it, between my day job, my night job as a gallivanting socialite, my evening job as an elementary school bus driver, my graveyard job as a grocery store clerk, my early morning job as a newspaper delivery guy, and my spare time job as a script writer, I really don’t have any time for hobbies. Luckily for you, my grocery store recently was upgraded to a wi-fi hotspot for yuppie food shoppers, so I can write while I stock shelves.

Since I am not able to do anything worthwhile tonight, I figured I’d just enlighten you simpletons on a Hollywood Cycle TM case. Hollywood has many quirks, such as the topical movie pairs (which would be things like Dante’s Peak/Volcano or Deep Impact/Armageddon [Pretty solid tangent from and aside there, eh?]), but I’m fond of the replacement actor. It’s only natural for big market studios to continually produce movies with actors/actresses reprising their most popular character in a slightly different scenario. Adam Sandler has done it with his inappropriately aggressive, loud guy with a heart of gold. Jennifer Anniston has done it with her Rachel. Gary Oldman has done it with his accented, foreign, relatively evil, clean cut, inspirational, bearded, bald, diseased, super-athlete… bad example. My point is that at some point, the character that someone got famous playing is not longer suited to them, so Hollywood calls in the replacement player. So here it is, Bradley Cooper is the next Ryan Reynolds.


Name Bradley Cooper Ryan Reynolds
Photo-picture  bradleycooper  ryan_reynolds_1
Number of syllables in name 4 4
Amount of scruffiness Too sexy Too sexy
Chest hair A bit much A tad too tittle
Currently Staring in The Hangover; a hilariously hilarious movie about guys doing stuff to make up for stuff they did The Proposal; a hilariously hilarious movie about a guy and a girl doing stuff awkwardly
You remember him from The commercials for The Hangover on TV; you’d go see the movie but that would mean you’d need to go outside sometime and that’s just way too intense Blade Trinity; because that movie had a lot of TV commercials, even though you didn’t see it. You probably saw most of Definitely, Maybe but you were too busy crying to remember you saw it
Why he’s awesome Look at that teethless smirk. Look at it. You wish you could pull off that manly smirk but you can’t. And yes, that applies to all you ladies out there too. Is that a golf clap? Yes it is, my barely tolerated compadres. He’s so cool that he’s applauding your lameness just to make you feel better, which is super cool.

Some people might say being the next Ryan Reynolds is not a very good complement. Those people are wrong. They’ll go on and on about how he hasn’t been in a true blockbuster and that he hasn’t been in a movie with Kevin Bacon, and how his name is pushing alliteration to the limits, but they are missing the important truth. The truth is that Ryan Reynolds has entertained every single person that has watched his work. Well, everyone excluding your Mother’s dumbest child (that’s you, doofus). Here’s hoping that Bradley Cooper follows Mr. Reynolds’ stellar career of super-entertainingnous.

Your pal,


The slightly better than good Outdoors

I love living in the greatest and best country in the world. You can assume I live in the same country as you to make yourself fell better if you are unsure of where I live. If you were half as smart as a chimp, you would be able to figure it out by the very obvious clues of beer and hockey. No, I don’t live in Barbados, they like sailing and mohitos.

One of my favourite things about Canada is that regardless of where you live, except maybe Toronto but they aren’t really Canadians anyway, you are always close to nature. I’m no mumbo jumbo homeopathic spiritual leader or anything, at least not on weekdays, but it’s a very cleansing experience to just drive away from the city. Not that I have a soul to cleanse. Well, I “have” a soul, but sold it away ala Simpsons.

It’s also fun going from the calm, soothing, clean feeling of nature to the dirty, sketchy, uninviting feeling of the Burger King/Tim Hortons parking lot. You know it’s a bad sign when a place that is open 24 hours a day has plywood up for a window. For those of you keeping track, this was not a combined restaurant, just side by side eateries.

Now I may poke fun, but I love Tim Hortons. Sure their soups are too salty, their sandwiches too saucy, and their…well that’s about all I don’t like about them. Cheap coffee, long hours, and the familiarity of each location more than make up for that. Tim, you can address that cheque to “Steve, of Steveblog fame”; banks know me well, thanks to the truckloads of money I drop off every two weeks. (Editor’s note: He means moderate amount of money electronically transferred thanks to his day job).

Take off, eh!

Your pal,

Here’s looking at you, Gabe

It always amuses me how people don’t consider themselves people. No, I’m not saying people think they are magical fairies from the mystical land of bananaphones (that’s just you). More that the average person tends to speak and act in a manner that they would consider insulting if someone were to do it to them. Not only that, but they believe that when they do it, other people are idiots for not seeing the correctness of their shining brilliance.

Before you go reading too far into my life, this isn’t about me. Sure I’m a super genius and better than you, but I also know how to communicate my ideas effectively. Well, mainly I know that as long as I’m yelling over you, you cannot possibly get your point across. No, I’m talking about my favourite hockey commissioner, Gerry Bettman. You see, this Gerry guy really likes having hockey in America (or Canada Jr. as I like to call them). There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are some pretty stellar hockey franchises down South. The problem is that he prefers having American hockey franchises over profitable franchises.

Obviously Canadians are immediately going to bring up Winnipeg and Quebec when it comes to moving hockey teams, so Gerry decides to counter that by insulting every fan that wanted to keep a team.

It’s probably one of the reasons that Quebec and Winnipeg moved because there was no prospects of a new building, and at that time I didn’t want to see those teams move, but we reached the point that nobody wanted to own a team in those markets anymore. That’s the difference. We think there are people who want to own a team in Phoenix.

Clearly the current ownership does not want to keep the team, nor are there a significant amount of fans that want to keep the team. Surprisingly, people don’t like being marginalized almost as much as they do not like being dismissed as being unenlightened.

This example is very hockey centric, but it applies to your day to day life as well. You are not perfect, so don’t try to sell yourself as that. If you show a little bit of humility, you might find yourself with more supporters than that dude who pretends to be perfect. Just don’t try to go up against me because I’m not pretending.

Your pal,


Movie Sequel Monday: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

That’s right, it is time for another installment of the internet’s most popular fake sequel blog post published on a Monday [citation needed]. Today we are featuring a movie that I had already written the sequel in my mind before actually seeing the movie. After watching the original, I’m sure that the sequel would pretty much give Hollywood permission to print money. Yes, I’m talking about the mega hit of 2009; Paul Blart: Mall Cop.


Continue reading “Movie Sequel Monday: Paul Blart: Mall Cop”