There’s this new craze sweeping across the television landscape. You may not have heard about because it’s a new trend. Heck, I had not even heard about it until a few months ago and I write for TV. None of my scripts ever get accepted (and rarely acknowledged at that) but that should make me more or less a television guru.
This new trend is a little something called “reality television”. It’s brilliant really. You take a bunch of regular-ish people and pit them in an extended competition. Sort of like American Gladiators on steroids… which may actually have been the pitch for American Gladiators. I guess that would make these shows more like the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions, only replace knowledge with highly specialized talents like singing, modeling, and dating. It is from these shows that I realized I too have a highly specialized talent; I’m psychic.
Yes, I am currently 3* for 3 in my predictions of the winners of The Bachelor, America’s Next Top Model, and American Idol. My pick for The Bachelor gets an star because I picked the girl that ended up usurping the fickle heart of the dude after the end of the season. I guess either pick in that case could be correct but I’m not the guy who proposed to one chick before dumping her for the other. (Ed. note: At least not on TV).
The next pick was a bit more of a crap shoot, but I went with with Wind Blown girl over Peanut Butter Mouth and Plain Vanilla. She almost let me down with a bad competition near the end but the modelling gods (Tyra?) prevailed. Speaking of Tyra Banks, I will never forget the time we shared a sunset tea on the coast of Madagascar. Or maybe that was the cold, drunken night I spent lying in a puddle with a mangy rat. I get confused sometimes. I’m not trying to imply Tyra is comparable to a mangy rat, you’re just jumping to conclusions because your simple mind can’t handle juxtaposition. That would be an awesome Scrabble word. You add the juxta to position, dummy.
Finally, we reach American Idol. An epic battle between Emo and Plain Vanilla. Yes, I’m so talented I came up with the same nickname for two different people within the span of a few weeks. Anyway, it was pretty obvious that the soccer moms of the world prefer vanilla over strawberry. Needless to say I was not surprised when Jolly Ol’ Pip brought out the verdict.
What I have learned from these recent events is that I too need a reality show. In fact, I should just send a portion of my memoirs to Fox as a pilot for the show. My life story is basically a combination of the best parts of 24, House, and <insert third most popular non-animated Fox series that will end up cancelled by next season>.