Hello Joe

It turns out not working left me with even less time to write. Well, more like it gave me more distractions because I did not have to get up in the morning (hooray for the crack of noon). My mind still has not really come back from vacation, so I apologize for my lack of wit and/or life changing motivational phrases.

Anyway, this made me laugh and maybe it will make you laugh too.


It didn’t actually make me laugh, I was just lulling you into a sense of security so that your laughter would be unhindered, you monster.

Your pal,


Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th holds a special place in my heart. Growing up, I never really watched the Friday the 13th movies. I had seen one or two of the middle ones and was well aware of the very popular Jason character, but I really had no desire to watch the series. All of that changed when I got the Scream TV channel. Scream launched during the time of my life where I could stay up to 2am every morning watching movies. That time being my university years, of course. Scream was somewhat of a novelty because I had not seen many horror movies and they conveniently had a movie from midnight to 2am every night. My creative outlet at the time was to review bad movies. So when Scream decided to air Friday the 13th 1 through 9 over the course of three evenings, I was sold.

The schedule was three movies a night, with the movies starting at midnight and running to about 5am. My previous longest movie marathon was four movies in one night, so while this was a shorter session each night, it was a much larger number of movies. Fatigue would be an issue with the late start times as well. Past me was a smart cookie, he had the foresight to take notes while watching in order to remember enough important details to write reviews. With a notepad in hand and more coffee than blood, I charged into the epic movie marathon. When the dust settled, I had fallen just shy of success (I fell asleep part way through part 9). The marathon sparked my horror franchise completionist phase, which lead to the pinnacle event of my bad horror movie watching career; all seven Children of the Corn movies in one day.

This past Friday the 13th, I planned to see the new movie followed by a Midnight screening of the original. I missed out on the new movie on account of it being sold out, but had a great time at the late show. If I wasn’t so heavily medicated, I might have shed a tear for nostalgia’s sake. I wouldn’t have because I never cry, but that’s beside the point.

Since I’ve blabbed on about the movie series, it would be fitting to rank the series. Just like my reputation with the ladies, I’m going to finish abruptly with disappointment; there will be no top 12 list. I just can’t rank the movies without having seen them all. I can say that I don’t think best and worst places are in jeopardy (Part 1 and Part 9 respectively).

Your pal,


A Family of One

For dinner tonight, I decided I wanted tacos. Naturally that means a trip to the greatest and best fast food place, Taco Bell. On the way there I thought of what I wanted to get. I was feeling ridiculously hungry, so I was angling for 10 tacos. For some reason though, ordering 10 tacos makes me feel like a glutton because obviously anyone ordering 10 tacos is eating them all themself. Instead I decided to order the family meal of 10 tacos, 2 fries, and 2 nachos. Even though its more food and I would be eating it all myself, I felt better about myself because there is the illusion that I might be sharing it with other people.

I don’t think I’ve written 10 enough in this post. 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10. There we go, much better. Anyhoo, there are two kinds of sharing, supervised sharing and real sharing. Supervised sharing is what happens when there are authority figures present to control the "fairness" of the sharing. Parents like to use the trick of making one kid set the amounts and let the other kid pick the pile, which is brilliant way to avoid whining kids, but a great way to set kids up for failure in life. Once they have left the shelter of their parents over protective grasp, they are introduced to real sharing; whomever grabs the most stuff first, wins.
So when the smoke clears, if you haven’t eaten all of the tacos, you lose.

FYI, I ate all of my tacos.

Your pal,

Science Rules!

As you may or may not know, I am a classically trained scientist. Being a scientist has taught me many things, one of which being that I am better than the average person. Tonight, I decided to put into practice another of my teachings (although I’m still better than you). This evening I conducted possibly the greatest experiment of my young life; the mixed boot! So without further delay, here is my report!

The Mixed Boot: A study on flavour saturation


From the beginning of time, science has not only attempted to solve the mysteries of the universe, but to also confirm what we already know. Trying to quantify the experiences of human senses falls under both categories, as every is able to experience senses however the methods and processes of them are rather difficult to explain. The sense of taste is a particularly difficult one to deal with, as it is highly subjective. Combining various distinct flavours can result in one particularly awesome flavour, such as Dr. Pepper [1], or a several distinct flavour layers, such as a root beer float.


I predict that combining 3 distinct beverages in one container will produce multiple flavour layers.


1 Boot (approx. 1 fluid litre)

1 Rickard’s Red (approx 341 mL)

1 Rickard’s White (approx 341 mL)

1 Rickard’s Honey Brown (approx 341 mL)


1. Pour the entire contents of the Honey Brown into the boot. Wait for any head to settle.

2. Carefully pour the entire contents of the Red into the boot, trying to minimize mixing.

3. Carefully pour the entire contents of the White into the boot, trying to minimize mixing.

4. Drink.


As expected, the wonderful taste of each beverage can be uniquely identified. In addition to the three excellent flavours, two additional hybrid flavours were created at the boundary layers; a bold yet light flavour at the White/Red junction and a sweet and robust flavour at the Red/Brown layer.


Combining beverages can not only preserve their original flavours, but also introduce interesting new flavours into the equation. While the results of this report are quite favourable, further study is necessary to determine ideal flavour combinations.


[1] Dr. Juan Pepper, “Creating the ultimate cola with 23 distinct flavours”, Mexican Beverages Quarterly, 1918.


On a personal note, I would like to thank Beer for its assistance in such an important scientific process.

Your pal,


The Band

No, not “The Band”, I’m talking about my band. I wanted to call it Steven Talent or Tenacious Steve but we settled with Total Solution. We being myself and Jimothy J. Jimerson. At least I think that’s his name, I don’t really talk to him too much because he’s kind of creepy. Still, he plays guitar really well and it covers for my crappy guitar playing.

Anyhoo, like every fledgling band, we run into problems trying to pick set lists. I grew up on amazing classic rock, whereas Jim grew up on Enya… or some fruity girl music like that. (He just interrupted my thought train to tell me something about Robbie Williams or some other silly dance music craze from the early 90s). As a community service I figured I’d share my technique to avoiding band conflicts. It’s a multiple step process, so bare… bear… bare…  …. pay attention while I go through the key points.

Step 1: Be the cool person in the band

I can’t stress this enough. If you aren’t the person in the band that people are coming to see then you don’t matter. Period. Exclamation Mark. Possibly even an Apostrophe.

Step 2: Be the loudest person in the band

No one can get their point across if you are louder than them. Seriously, try to make a point when some is yelling over you. YOU COULD’NT DO IT COULD YOU?!?!?! HA!!~!!!

Step 3: Drink alot

It helps with steps 1 and 2.

Step 4: Never admit fault

Step 3 totally sounds more important than 1 and 2 but it isn’t. Why? Because I said so dammit and I’m always right.

Step 5: Give’r

‘Nuff said.

Your Pal,


Happy Birthday, Alice

So what did you do to celebrate Alice Cooper’s birthday? I’m guessing most of you would say “nothing”, which is fine. For anyone who said “who?”, for shame. I’m sure I should be more inclusionist and encourage you to seek out and enjoy his music but that really doesn’t matter to me. I do find music listening to be primarily a solo interest and while it can be nice to talk to people about music I like, I really do not like talking about it too much. That’s an entirely different subject and one that I am pretty much going to contradict immediately.

I wanted to share my celebration of Alice Cooper’s birthday. To be fair, I would not have known it was his birthday if the radio did not tell me, but that’s not the point. The point is that I went out and bought music CDs for the first time in about a year. Oddly enough, I was out looking for a cheap but comprehensive Alice Cooper CD but Futile Shop and HMV let me down. Future Shop was my first stop and I literally asked myself “Why the hell did I even come here? They never have what I want.” when I was quickly looking through their selection. Thankfully, HMV has a better selection of decently priced music and videos so I was able to find something I wanted.

The moral of the story is that I think Futile Shop is an awesome nickname. It’s totally in the realm of The Home Despot.

Your pal,