STEVEBLOG Home on the Range

25Jul/160

Batman vs Superman vs Entertainment

I like movies. I really do. And as any fan of movies, I think I can make them better than the people who actually make movies. With that, I can say that I am wrong; professional movie people can make better movies than I can. That said, I still think there's a teeny tiny space for the regular (editor's note: sub-regular in the case of Steve) person's critique in how things should have gone. That being said, I assume you think I will be talking about Batman vs Superman, on account of the title, whereas I will not. No, instead of making sense, I will instead ramble on about the general lack of commitment coming in the world.

I have a challenge for you. Name one versus movie where there was a clear victor.... Ok, you got me on that random obscure reference. You are better than me. Thankfully, no one actually is reading this, so that means I am not admitting to anyone being better than me, I'm just spouting some random jibber jabber. The point is that if you consider three high profile versus movies, Batman vs Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Freddy vs Jason you can only come to one conclusion; in direct competition, everything is a tie. Seriously! Ties suck. No one likes ties, just ask Donovan McNabb (editor's note: Google him and tie to find the video, Steve is too lazy to link it). I wish that people would have the drive to pick a side and run with it. All of these stories get told and retold all the time, so why not shake it up and make one of them the hero? Why not make Iron Man the clear villain and have Captain America crush his pompous, mustached face? Money. But stupidly thought of money.

Movie people try to please everyone with every movie. The more people who like a movie means more people buying movie tickets, which means more money and more hookers and blow and less quality time with their children and quote unquote spouse. It's a rational thought. Too bad we live in a world where Donald Trump is the republican candidate for President. (editor's note: please sue us as that exposure will increase our readership and boost our ad revenue from 0% to billions) What we really need is stories that make one of our heroes clearly wrong. All of these stories are totally going to be remade, because that's what happens these days. Really, it's an entirely new thing re-doing old stories, that's why there is a new Hamlet in the works. But seriously, they are going to re-do Batman vs Superman, the Marvel Civil War, and any other versus movie again and again. So instead of leading them all for sequels they should be setting up for remakes. Give us the real scene of Captain America decapitating Iron Man while telling him that his father was a better man than he ever was. Give us the scene where Captain America reflects Superman's eye beams into his cold, dark heart. Give us the scene where Captain America falls asleep and is tormented by his dreams of having no purpose other than advancing the plot... before being impaled by Freddy's glove.

So Hollywood, here is my advice for you: your movie is going to be remade. The period in the previous sentence should be pronounced "period" instead of just the natural end of a sentence. Anyhoo, knowing that your story is going to be retold, then just giver and pick a gosh darn side! Or be really cool and pick all sides and release different versions with different winners. But above all, do not leave it in a tie!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYqwZRVQ6eg

 

Your pal,

Steve

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3Nov/150

That moment when…

I'm sure you have all internetted before. I know this because when I say "you", I mean "me", being the only reader of this blog. Yes, I may have 8000+ comments pending approval but if one of them was actually a human, I would probably pee on the floor in excitement. Because I'm a dog. Dogs do that... at least when they see me. So maybe it is less of an excitement thing and more of a fear thing. Anyhoo, this is all beside the point that I am trying to make. That point is... dun dun dunnnnnn... Man my site looks old. Sadly that is also an allegory to my actual being. This blog has seriously been around long enough for some WordPress template look like it is the new Geocities. (Editor's Note: We tried to find Steve's original website on Geocities but apparently scifiguy did not want to be found. Darn. Because seriously this kid was nerdy.)

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Best we found for past Steve blogging

I guess the moral of the story is that you always need to live life like it is your only life. YOLO. That's still cool, right?

Your pal,
Steve

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23Oct/150

Passwords

Holy crap, I logged in!

Seriously, with the amount of passwords the average person needs to remember it is remarkable that I was able to get back in to my own website. Y'all average people have at least 5 passwords but as a member of the slightly more than average, I have at least 6 that I need to remember. That's a 6 hundred and 55 percent increase for the mathematically challenged.

The real question is why would I want to log in to a blog where the only reader is the writer. Wait. Is a period correct grammatically or should that have been a question mark? The simple answer is: it doesn't matter! Unless you are in English class, which I really hope you are not or you will have at least 7 complaints about this post, then you are at that point where grammar is not really that important in your life. If it was you probably would have told yourself that last sentence ran on. Also, that sentence ended with a pre... some sort of word that sentences shouldn't end with.

Anyhoo, no one really cares about grammar, that's why Canada's Smartest Person still exists. Actually, I think people do care about grammar, I as just trying to come up with a reason why this show was created and renewed. I totally support Canadian programming and really do like most of CBC's programming but I just can't stand Canad'ass (intentional typeo) smartest person. And Heartland. Doody on Heartland. Doody.

Your pal,
Steve

PS The best password is 12345

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15Sep/150

Experimentationpolooza

Hey Folks,

So I've been running statistics against the readership of my blog and I've come to two conclusions. First; I only have one human reader... that's me. Yeah, I know you think you're human but that's a conversation you need to have with your "parents". Second; buzzwords are powerful. I've thrown many a word around and it turns out my most popular words came from my most laziest of posts. Yes, the two highest commented posts I have ever posted are two of the most phone it in posts I have ever "written:". In case you are wondering, they are Captain McBloggy and The Spam Post. The more interesting part is not the "content" (yes, I have totally overused quotations)of these posts but the popularity of them.

You see, with a primary readership of bots and part time hackers, the quality of comments are destined to be suspect/awesome. People like us (read: me, as no one else reads this blog) would expect a random spattering of comments from bots. The crazy thing is that bots ignore the majority of my entries (editors note: good for them), and instead have focused on two particular posts. One that ridicules some random internet person and another that name drops celebrities. (editors note: Steve didn't re-read the Spam Post to know what it was about). The point is that internet bots are scary smart. They seriously can decide what is interesting to themselves and what isn't. If that isn't Skynet, aside from the whole nuking everything, then I don't know what is.

Also, I know you expect humour from my ramblings and have deemed this post as sub-humourous. Well to that I say "blog Bieber Pitt Clooney Rick Mercer Lady Gaga NFL Dancing With The Stars #humanityfail. Don't fret, one of these days I will tell a joke. (editor's note: Steve actually said "Yoke"; he doesn't really know how to handle j's. That's why he rarely uses J words.)

Your pal,
Steve

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28Jun/120

I totally watched Encino Man… on purpose

Oh hey internet, I didn’t see you there. I was busy sitting on my couch in teenage girl position… which is how I would describe sitting on the couch with my heels at my bum and my arms wrapped around my knees. If you are thinking something else, then for shame. Seriously, for shame. Luckily, I know my readership and when I say “teenage girl position” you all think something way more wholesome than I can ever come up with. That’s because I’m a monster…. wait, no… I’m… yeah, let’s just go with monster. Anyhoo, this was my total roundabout way of telling y’all that I watched a movie tonight. Yes, a whole entire movie! Not part of it followed by me passing out and waking up several hours later with the menu repeating on my TV, a movie from start to finish! What movie you say? Encino Man.

So several things need to be mentioned about Encino Man; Yes, Pauly Shore is in it, and yes, Brendan Fraser is awesome. Those two are given, but the rest of the movie totally changes based on your life experience. You see, at one time, I was not as awesome as I am now (ie see young Barney Stinson versus his present self), so previously I identified with our protagonist, Mr. Rudy himself, Sean Austin. Unfortunately, time has not done his character any favours. He is supposed to be the character we side with in his goal of rising above the “ignored geek” status but really he’s just a social whore trying to advance his status. [Spoiler] The first time he does something legitimately good, is when he apologizes for getting rid of Link, although Stoney is there too out him as a douche. [/spoiler] So even before that spoiler, this character deserved his lonesome status because he was a dick. You know what Nerd Culture? Being a nerd is not an excuse for being a douche. Douchetitude transcends cultures. Thankfully, as a jock, I solve my problems through physical confrontations (and I can totally take you). For the rest of you, remember one thing: be excellent to each other.

In summary, or “TLDR” for you innernetz peoples, go watch Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It’s somewhat appropriate with the amount of Back to the Future time travelling memes happening today, although slightly more awesome. You know what? I take that back. Bill and Ted and Marty and Doc should somehow have a crossover superawesome timetravelling extravaganza. Unless that already exists in some form of creepy fanfic… seriously, you crazy fanfic writers, seriously.

Your pal,

Steve

25Feb/120

Tesnowing is the new Tebowing

I totally had one of “those” nights tonight. I felt tired and was ready to go to bed at a decent hour but then I remembered the snow was super primed for snowman making. Before the sleep decision I was thinking of making a snowman or two before going to bed but I really didn’t have good inspiration. Naturally, as I turned off the lights on the way to call it a night (man, it’s tough to not repeat words when I’m totally padding my word count), I got that flash of inspiration; “Te-snowing”.

There was no way I could go to sleep without acting on that idea. So I tossed on my boots and tried to make a somewhat realistic snow Tebow. Naturally, the final result was nowhere near as cool as my imagination, which either means my imagination rocks or my artistic skills suck… I’m going to go with yes. To both. Anyway, the best part is that my camera fell in the snow and just beeps at me now. Luckily, I got one photo off before it went all primadonna on me.

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Te-snowing

I saw a guy unicycling yesterday and I made a snow Tebow today. Thank you Feb-you-airy.

Your pal,

Steve

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3Feb/120

Landmarks

I love Ottawa. The city may be an acquired taste with its frigid Winters (except for this one), humid summers, and strange balance of government/private industry but I have yet to meet a city I where I would rather be. St. John’s came close; I seriously considered trying to get a dock job and never come back. What really makes a place a home is your attachments. You associate your parents’ basement with “home” because of its isolation, poor lighting, and convenient room service. I call Ottawa home because of my attachments to various communities and landmarks. And when it comes to landmarks, one of my most influential landmarks is my “music hedge”.

The “music hedge” is literally a hedge. There is a bus stop beside it (for daytime busses) and it is pretty tall but aside from those it is totally unremarkable. However, this particular hedge is a highlight of all of my late night walks home. The late night bus stop leads me to walk a particular route and this hedge happens to mark the last bend before the straightaway to my house. Distance-wise, it also turns out to take about one song to walk that stretch. As I am sure you realize, the last song you here tends to linger. Do you have to let it linger? It doesn’t matter if you have to let it linger! Anyhoo, the hedge song concludes my night. It could be upbeat, or inflecting, or angry but it ends up framing any of my night’s events.

Now that all that preamble is out of the way, I can finally get to tonight’s hedge song. Tonight was “We will still need a song” by Hawksley Workman. Needless to say, I finished the walk with a huge grin. I have seen this guy in concert twice and plan on seeing him every time he comes to town. Seriously, the dude puts an individual touch on every performance. There are some musicians that I am perfectly happy listening to their albums at home and there are those that make the show an experience.

This city is so full of landmarks for me that it is hard for me to exist elsewhere. I literally work about a 5 minute walk from where I was born and those two things are not even the most influential reasons why I am tied to that area (shout out to Hintonburg!). Some call it the city that fun forgot, but I call it home. Fuck yeah, Ottawa.

Your pal,

Steve

31Jan/120

The Horse and Buggy Lifestyle

I have decided to take a break from my jet setting lifestyle to live like a regular person. I figured it would give me an appreciation of others and might even make me a better man. It must be having some effect considering I went of hippie instead of making a constipation joke. Although, I did just polish off a high fibre smoothie so that could be an issue later. Ok, so it is not entirely my choice but my publicist thought it would be a good idea to try to score some readers by using the New Year’s Resolutions empathy schtick. I’m not usually one to try some hair brained scheme for any pithy reason (editor’s note: by “not usually” he means “always”) but I do like the word “schtick”.

The ground rules had me avoiding bars and cutting back on my spending. Whatever, I thought. No biggie, I thought. Puke, I did… in the toilet. Naturally, the best way to start any period of deprivation is to binge enough so that you won’t have cravings. There is not much point describing the binge night (editor’s note: it was settled out of court), so let’s move on.

19Jan/120

3D and me… in 3D

Before there was 3D there was the backwards 3 as an “E”. Historically, there may have been 3D movies before any movies actually used a “3” in the title but fact checking is so much harder when Wikipedia is blacked out. Thankfully I have years of horror movie watching experience to at least point out Friday the 13th Part 3 went the 3D route whereas Critters 3 went took the backwards 3 path. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Except everything.

There are underlying patterns to movie series. Patterns that reach farther than the Hollywood rule of 2 (see Dante’s Peak/Volcano, Deep Impact/Armageddon, et.c). I’m going down to the sequel settings pattern. Sequels have to one up their predecessors, that is the whole point of them. Also, some dude just had a hissy fit on American Idol, their words, not mine. Right, back to movies. So naturally, at some point the writers run out of legitimate ideas to improve on the previous movie and they go to one of the go to settings. What are those? Space and/or time travel. Seriously, look it up, any time a series feels like it is running out of ideas it goes to those. If you’re a trekkie, which you we both know you are, you crazy jogging pants homebody, then you probably could name more time travel/holodeck/space episodes of The Next Generation than your IQ. Nerd!

Now to the patterns. The standard small town series hits the big city by #3 (Children of the Corn, Critters). The… wait, Grey’s Anatomy is still on TV? I really shouldn’t try to write while watching American Idol… nor should I admit to watching it. Anyway, other franchises (how are you a student and a face painter?!) hit their rut at #4 and decide to go to space (Leprechaun, Hellraiser). I bet if you look up Moonraker it would be Roger Moore’s fourth Bond Movie. If it isn’t give me a few minutes and check Wikip… damn you internet blackout!

I hope you have learned something tonight, moderately despised reader. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. We all know the internet but there are scary people out there who still print out every email they get. Sadly, those people are the ones making the rules. So for the sake of us all, vote Steve for 2013 in whatever election you get to vote in. If elected I promise to totally abuse my power, so you better have voted for me. :fistshake:

Your pal,

Steve

13Oct/110

I watched it so you don’t have to: Frankenfish

Before watching this movie I had a clever lead in explaining that this is effectively the sequel to Piranha 2 more so than Piranha 3D. Unfortunately the DVD description lead me astray because this was more of a Lake Placid meets Hatchet. If that makes any sense to you then I feel sorry for you. Not that you have seen both of those movies because they are worth watching but because you are getting closer to thinking like me. Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road… it’s only paved part way.

Frankenfish (2004)

dvd

It’s hard to think of a swamp creature movie without thinking of Swamp Thing. Not that I’ve ever seen it but my all time favourite beer’s label was clearly inspired by that film. Oh wait, that was Creature from the Black Lagoon. The point is that there are well established formulas (formulea for you fancy folk) for these movies. Being a killer fish movie, I expected three specific deaths: killed underwater with blood bubbling up, almost at safety before being dragged away, and a barely alive torso pulled out of the water. I was not disappointed.

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Yes, they actually said he fisted the fish.

The premise of Frankenfish is fairly straightforward; a medical examiner teams with a biologist to investigate a suspicious death in some isolated part of the bayou. By the way, the biologist is an attractive woman and the medical examiner was a former local who moved to the big city and made something of himself. Don’t worry, they decided not to force us down the romance between these two because the biologist turned out to be a lesbian. If you guessed that signed her death sentence then you would be correct.

The rest of the human chow span a solid set of caricatures; the stoner couple, the ‘Nam vet, the voodoo lady, the attractive swamp girl, the douchebag lawyer, and the rich game hunter and company. The movie takes a brief break from the action to introduce these characters and toss in some random nudity. Yes, you can sleep easily because there was a banana joke. Once we have gotten sufficiently introduced we get back to the killing. Horror movies are all about the kills and there was some pretty solid gore, especially for a fish movie.

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Eat your heart out, sissy movies!

Basically we get to watch everyone killed off except the medical examiner and the swamp girl (don’t worry, they knew each other from high school) in various bloody ways before they finally kill off the last giant fish. However, in Godzilla fashion, the movie closes with a school of mini killer fish comeuppancing the douchebag with tiny niblets of death. Screw you spellcheck, I’ll write what I want.

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You know how I know I’m 8 years old? PU.

Frankenfish is a true B movie; cheesy, fun, violent, with random nudity. They nailed all my expectations and tossed in a few more things for good measure. Since I feel that I should complain about something, I’ll complain about the misleading title. “Franken”fish totally implies mad scientist created zombie fish and all we got was genetically engineered super fish, lame!! But seriously, I would not be surprised if Frankenfish 2: The Fishening gets greenlit.

Your pal,

Steve

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